Silence is Golden

right responses.

2012-01-26T18:02:00.001-08:00

A balmy day...highs low 40's.

It was so beautiful. I never thought my mouth would be saying it...never thought my body would feel it...but it was a gorgeous day.

I sat in the kitchen, reading my Jesus Calling devotional. In the busyness of the moving, I haven't read it for a few weeks. And this morning, I just decided to get back to it. And of course, God just blew my mind.

because today's devotional addressed exactly what I've been struggling with.

As confident, joyful, happy, etc...that I have been since moving here...I am still without a job. And honestly, in my quiet moments, it gives me cause for concern. I mean, God called me here, it's supposed to work out smoothly.

First two lines of the devotional: Give up the illusion that you deserve a problem-free life. Part of you is still hungering for the resolution of all difficulties.

*crickets chirping*

Um...way to know my innermost thoughts, God.

Honestly, it was exactly the encouragement I needed. I have head knowledge that God is trustworthy...I even say it with my mouth, "Yup, I'm just trusting God as I face the unknowns."
While in my heart I'm sitting, head in my hands, "What will i do if I don't get a job. What happens if I have these extra bills to pay and I don't have an income?" That trust in God isn't making a connection to my innermost being. I still have doubts. Not because I doubt God...I mean, I've seen what he's done before.

Let me put it to you this way.

I am beginning to have a little more understanding for those frustrating Children of Israel. They experienced the provision of God time and time again, and yet they still grumbled when things got tough...as if they had completely forgotten. At the time, I thought they were so stupid. But I find myself in the same place at times. Having experienced the amazing provision of God...and yet still wondering and worrying over what isn't just perfect.

And then you know what God did for me EVEN when he knew of my doubtful heart? He crossed my paths with a girl here. One who offered her time, her Bible study, her friendship.

Wow...he gave me a gift...a reassurance, even when I was doubting. How is he so good all the time?

Anyway, one of the last lines of the devotional says, "I am much less interested in right circumstances than in right responses to whatever comes your way."

Alright, God. Here we go. Beginning of right responses. You've taken care of me so far...way beyond what I could expect. I choose to trust you again. Thank you for your patience with me as I forget this at times.

And just because she is also a reminder of God's goodness and provision and guiding...

(well that and she's just so adorable!)

at a loss. or not?

2012-01-24T22:21:00.000-08:00

After a nice morning of sleeping in and taking my time getting ready, I bundled up and headed out the door to make something of my day.

In the driveway, I faced a frozen Simon. Snow and ice on his windows, mud on his running boards and a chill throughout his cab. *sigh* it took me a solid twenty minutes to get him ready to drive. Being the genius that I am, I realized that turning on the windshield defroster on full blast really helps melt the ice. Oh the things one learns when one lives where ice covers one's car.

Anyway, point of this blog post was to say, as I was braving the streets of St. Paul (garnering a parking ticket along with that), I literally asked myself, "What can you write about for your next blog?" I would look at people, buildings, talk to God...none of it was inspiring enough to write about here.

You know why I asked myself this question? Because there is pressure. I feel the pressure of all 60-some of my readers to post again soon. about something important, or funny, or inspiring. And I was feeling writers block. This fame thing isn't all its cracked up to be.

haha. just kidding.

I don't even know who 75% of my readers are. But that's ok. I'm down with the anonymity. -ish. (except when people post comments as "Anonymous" but don't leave me any sort of sign to figure out who they are...Like my parents know what to say so I know its them.)

Back to the subject of this post.

oh wait. there wasn't one.

Hmm...updates? Life is good. Really good. I'm enjoying staying with this family from church. I'm looking for jobs (4 applications filled out/turned in...and i think two more tomorrow). I am getting to know this city (and surrounding areas). I'm getting anxious to move into my own place and start a routine of life. (still working on finding a bed/mattress and sofa-challenging to do with no job).

I was going to do a pictureless post. but realized i DO have some pictures to share. So here they are.

On sunday evening, we went over to another family from church's house. And they have a pond out back of their house that is FROZEN. and they snow-plow a little rink in it and skate on it. AHH! I've skated before, but not on a pond. it was fabulous. Unfortunately, the skates I had on were a bit snug, so my feet were numb in a few minutes. Still, it was a blast.

Here I am, post skating...just sitting on a folding chair. ON ICE. it's really so cool that we were on a body of water.

side note: all these fun winter things excite me at times. Every time I see snow, I want to run and shove a fist-full in my mouth. I really liked the skating on the body of water. I thought scraping ice was adventurous for the first 30 seconds.

One of Miss K's favorite things is to play with cords. of any kind. That day it was the car phone charger. We were playing peek-a-boo behind the loft door, and she kept grinning and laughing delightedly! Her happiness is SO contagious.

We continued this game where Mom would go inside, and we'd wait outside, and she'd knock and K would loooook at the door and then Mom would open it and She would just light up with giggles and smiles. Then we'd wave "bye-bye" and do it all over again. so much fun! Here's the play-by-play!

(first laugh as the door was opened)

("Say bye-bye Karlina!")

(action shot!)

Love this girl. Love how she just embraces life, full-force and delights in the smallest of things. She is like me in that she thrives on people-interaction and is a true social butterfly (who occasionally gets a random shy streak)

So I'll endure the ice, the cold, the layers, the slippery roads...all for this little girl.

I thank all 60-some of you for your dedication in reading...even when I lose my inspiring streak. This post ended up being a little more put-together than I had originally seen it to be. time to modify the title.
Au Revoir blogspot world.

Welcome to the Arctic of North America

2012-01-20T08:00:00.001-08:00

This is the post you've all been holding your collectively baited breath for, I'm sure.

As I write, I'm sitting in the loft that will soon be mine... it is three degrees...there are snow flurries falling outside the window over downtown St. Paul...Karlina is down for her nap and is talking quietly to herself instead of sleeping...My heart is happy to be here.

Let me start at the beginning. Me and Mom took off Monday night at 7:45 after a fantastic dinner at The Boat (family favorite, California-unique). Oh, tragic side-note...when I went outside to say goodbye to dear Tylee, she was nowhere to be found. Apparently, the gate was left cracked just enough that she was able to pull it open and escape. She didn't have her collar/tag on, for whatever reason....and she wasn't coming when called. We didn't have time to look for her then, as we wanted to get on the road. So I never got to say goodbye. And then on top of that, she was missing for a good three days...we didn't know if she had been hit by a car, or if someone took her in or what happened. the Humane Society didn't have any record of her. Long story short (you can ask the details some other time), our neighbor ended up finding out where she was and got her back for us. Whew. that was not how I wanted to leave my dog.

Anyway.

We set out and drove all the way to Sterling Colorado...got there about two the following afternoon. Stayed the night, and set out the next day for Des Moines, IA. The temperatures fluctuated on our trip from -13 in the Colorado Mountains to a balmy 45 in Nebraska.

The Mountain passes through the ski towns (Vail, Breckenridge, Copper mountain etc...) were GORGEOUS. but a little scary.

and muddy.

Poor Simon has never been so filthy. (by the way, Subway serves a good breakfast flat-bread thing. yummy.)

A bit unsure of what to think when there was a big, fat ZERO on my temperature gauge. ugh...reality hit quick. Pumping gas was a nightmare. my california-ized fingers and nose were NOT ready for this.

Then in Nebraska where the weather wasn't freezing (or below), we decided to wash Simon at the local car wash.

Ahhh. He was so pretty. seriously.

Well that is pretty much all the pictures I have from the actual road trip. I was too busy taking it all in. And napping. Turns out, I really REALLY love sleep. My mom is a road-tripping warrior...so she drove a LOT...and I slept. I have no shame in this. My dad said it is better to be safe than sorry, and I just can't drive through the night without getting drowsy.

Thursday afternoon, we arrived in St. Paul, MN. Honestly, i was SO excited. For those of you who haven't been here...it is a pretty fantastic city (even with the lack of color). After driving through a LOT of rural towns, I was grateful to be back in the city. I have nothing against those towns, It would just take a lot for me to live there. and St. Paul is an old, quaint, bustling city.

This is the view from outside my loft windows. There is a park right across the street, and at night it is all lit up with twinkly lights in the trees. There are lots of fun downtown buildings that look great at night too.

This right here is my best friend. Better known as the Skyway. It is on the second floor of most buildings in Downtown and connects them all so you can walk INSIDE all around. There are little shops, restaurants, businesses, banks, dentists all along the way. And it connects to my building too. Goal: get a job in a connected building so i NEVER HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE.

genius.

Ironically, I arrived on pretty much the coldest day of the season so far. As my brother put it, "It's almost poetic." ...almost. So my really wonderful sister-in-law took me coat shopping. we went into a MACY'S (I emphasize that because we have those at home) and they had a WHOLE SECTION dedicated to winter coats. Seriously, the most expansive selection I've ever seen. When I joked about California not selling Minnesota coats, I didn't realize how accurate I was. All lengths, colors, fur-types, buttons, zippers, levels of filling...all of it. So I finally found a coat that was toasty warm, went all the way to my knees and had all the fantastic bells and whistles (or should I say pockets and clasps).

Ta-DA!!!! It really is a marvelous piece of clothing.

Now on to the pictures you all have been waiting for ;)

She's got the cutest eskimo coats. this baby knows how to do winter in style.

We've actually done a fair amount of bonding so far...and we are getting along great. I am so thankful for that. She is SO sweet. Although her method of kissing right now includes an open mouth and an affectionate (and really sharp) chomp on your cheek. We're working on that.

One of her favorite things to do is watch One Republic and Coldplay music videos and dance to them. This picture doesn't show it, but she'd move back and forth and sway and clap her hands. SO CUTE.

Anyway...I know you're all dying to see pics of the loft...but those will come when I actually move in. J&K are waiting for their townhome to be completed, so until then I am staying with a family from church. After I move in and get things settled, I'll take pictures and post them! And be prepared for an inundation of Karlina pictures. I seriously love this little girl a lot.

Thanks for all you who prayed for us during this trip. Please don't stop. The reality of me actually moving here and calling it my own still hasn't hit me. I'm super excited for the next steps of life in the frozen north.

More later! =)

playing catch-up.

2012-01-12T19:40:00.001-08:00

Alright. I'm sitting in a hotel room babysitting two little boys that I just met. Jacob is nine months old and in the crib whimpering himself to sleep. Britton is 4 and is watching Tarzan. So i have a lot of time to update this blog. and let me tell you...it will be lengthy. with lots of pictures...and stories. =)

First, I have to tell you what this adorable 4-year-old told me tonight. Here are a few quotes from the evening.

We're sitting at dinner and he comes up to me and whispers, "I love you. and you're beautiful. I want to marry you. Well you and my mom and actually everyone. Except Emmett. Because he's a boy. and I can't marry a boy. well, his voice sounds like a girl, but he's really a boy."

*we're walking holding hands*
Me: Ok you can watch a movie while I feed Jacob and put him to sleep
Brit: Do you have milk in your belly to feed Jacob? Because my mom, she has milk in her belly and that is how she feeds Jacob.
Me: No, you have to have a baby to feed him that way. Your mom had jacob and that is how she feeds him like that. I haven't had a baby so I have to feed him from a bottle.
Brit: Well how about we pray to God to give you a baby so you can feed her from your belly.
*stops walking, lets go of my hand and folds his hands*
Brit: Dear God, can you please send Miss Suzy a baby girl so she can feed her from her belly? Thank you. *looks up at me all excited* Miss Suzy! God's gonna send you a baby girl because I just prayed for him to!

He was messing with the TV remote and I said, "Britton, don't touch, don't touch...can you give it to me please?" to which he responded, "you sound just like my mom."

I asked him to take off his clothes to change into his pajamas and he said, "Can you not look at me? You're a stranger and you're not supposed to look at my private parts."
His parents have trained him well. I reassured him that I would not look.

Here they are =)

All I know is these kids are precious. We're having fun tonight. Ok on to the rest of the post.

Christmas time. I was in Arizona for almost two weeks...the thursday before Christmas til the tuesday after New Years. my mom's ENTIRE side of the family was there. All the cousins, in-laws, nieces...it was fabulous.

This is me and Amy, my sister-in-law. I like her a lot.

One of the days (post quadding accident) we all (and i mean...we ALL) went to the Zoo.

We were walking around the gift-shop waiting til the parents go there to pay for our tickets in. Then one of our group walked up and said, go to the front and say, "We are one of the 9" and they'll give you a stamp. So we all walked up one-by-one and said that. It felt like a secret society. So we all did a hand-stamp circle to show our brotherhood.

First animal exhibit was the flamingos. They were beautiful. We decided that if one were to have a flamingo drumstick it would probably look something like a cake pop.

Like that. hehe

Then I tried my hand...err...leg at being a flamingo. Turns out, balancing on one leg while being so graceful is harder than it looks.

Then came the giraffes. so fun to see and feed. but after that day i will never see giraffes the same.

crazy long tongue action going on. It's like, if their neck wasn't long enough, they can still get almost a foot farther. haha

I actually learned that day that giraffes have a special brain sponge that kicks into gear when they bend down. Because of the length of their neck, their hearts have to pump blood much more powerfully to make it to their brain. So when they bend down, if all that blood goes that fast to their brain, it would explode. so this little sponge filters it so that it doesn't overload their brain. crazy.

Feeding the Lory birds. They are marvelous. But you can only feed them for 15 minutes cuz supposedly apples go through them quick and then they start dropping the nasty.

My beautiful mumzy feeding her bird.

Moving along to Christmas time.

My adorable niece, Karlina, opening her gift from great-grandma Johanna.

My adorable niece playing peek-a-boo.

My adorable niece being...well...adorable.

Christmas dinner at Aunt Laurie and Uncle Herbie's house. All of us around one table. Minus Johnny and Amy who had to return to their job at Gateway in Indiana. =(

Super classy. Turns out, my Aunt Laurie has got superb taste in table decor. and every decor for that matter.

I love these fabulous girl cousins of mine!

One day all of us ladies got dressed to go out for tea to celebrate Grandma's birthday.

This group of women right here mean so much to me. They embody love, hospitality, wisdom, hard work, faithfulness, character and most importantly, godliness.

Then New Years rolled around and I got to spend it with these two wonderful girls, Tasha and Heather. They were my companions on my road-trip this summer.

See the wonderful hats we're wearing? Heather made those in one afternoon. both of them. MADE THEM. She is so talented.

Then it was the wedding of my dear childhood friend, Breana last weekend. So crazy that I'm now at that stage of life where all my friends are getting married...seems like just yesterday we were playing dress-up together.

One of my favorite things to do (even though I don't do it often) is to go to the Canyon right by my house. I spent hours of my childhood there...hiking, rock-hopping, playing airsoft with the boys. So fun.

Been fitting in all this great friend hang-out time. (patty, me, ana and jess) These are the girls from my book club. We aren't much of a book club anymore. But we still get together pretty regularly. I'm gonna miss them a lot.

And now for moving week updates. I am leaving next Tuesday. I began packing everything monday of this week.

These are my stacks of books and things that I'm taking with me. It didn't seem like I had that much until I pulled it all off the shelves and stacked it up.

Did a thrift store run and had so much to sort through. My mom has been wonderful about getting me all set up to move into my own place!

These are my dishes. Aren't they classy? $3.95. yeah. read it again. It's true.

4 for $4.95

4 @ $1.95 each.

white bathroom rugs ($1.95 each), little bedside rug ($3.95) and red kitchen rug ($3.95)

I also got my pots and pans at the same great deals, my mom gave me kitchen utensils, dish rags...Basically I'm all outfitted for my OWN PLACE! I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!

*sigh* Most of my stuff is all packed now, we just have to fit it all in Simon. Poor boy is gonna be weighed down. Good thing he's super manly enough.

I'll be busy the next few days. My roommate from college is getting married this weekend and I have the honor of being one of her bridesmaids. I'm super excited, but starting tomorrow, I'll be pretty non-stop til I leave on Tuesday.

Right now, my prayers are filled with thankfulness to God at how amazing the past few weeks have been...praise for how smoothly this moving process is going so far, and the provision I've had to date...request for peace and a calmed spirit as I embark on this journey...and comfort as I know I'm gonna bawl my eyes out at some point when it all hits me.

...

2012-01-12T11:47:00.001-08:00

I shall return. Don't give up on me! This whole moving thing takes a lot of my time.

But there will be fabulous pictures and stories and updates.

possibly tonight, as I have an 8 hour babysitting job and the kids will be sleeping a majority of the time!

=)

let me leave you with a few amazing cs lewis quotes. read them. a few times if that's what it takes. This man penned some deep, convicting, enlightening things. Take a moment and let the truth of them sink into your heart...and maybe ask God if they describe you, are able to change you or even just give you a little insight into yourself/someone else.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

“A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is... A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in.”

“Give me all of you!!! I don’t want so much of your time, so much of your talents and money, and so much of your work. I want YOU!!! ALL OF YOU!! I have not come to torment or frustrate the natural man or woman, but to KILL IT! No half measures will do. I don’t want to only prune a branch here and a branch there; rather I want the whole tree out! Hand it over to me, the whole outfit, all of your desires, all of your wants and wishes and dreams. Turn them ALL over to me, give yourself to me and I will make of you a new self---in my image. Give me yourself and in exchange I will give you Myself. My will, shall become your will. My heart, shall become your heart.”

“We may ignore, but we can nowhere evade the presence of God. The world is crowded with Him. He walks everywhere incognito.”

“My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I got this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. What was I comparing this universe with when I called it unjust?”

obligatory "resolution" blogpost

2012-01-04T21:50:00.001-08:00

Prepare to be disappointed. Because it is an obligatory post...not an actual heart-felt post.

I have no resolutions. Know why? Because in 13 days, my life changes significantly and I have no idea if a resolution made here and now is able to be kept there and then.

Por ejemplo: If I say my resolution this year is to run in Eaton Canyon weekly...well that would be one I can't keep after two weeks.

If I say I will get an extra dosage of Vitamin D whilst doing my devotions outside...that also poses some problems.

So you see? I cannot make a resolution.

But I can for sure make a To-Do list. I started this morning.

There it is. Pretty straight forward. and has much to be added to it.

These last 13 days are filling up SO quickly. I have lunch dates with friends, family events, weddings, church stuff, packing (which includes buying some stuff and getting rid of other stuff), and SO MUCH MORE.

It's ridiculous. And it will fly by SO fast. Today I was driving...it was 80 out. Clear as a bell. a PERFECT southern California day. And before I knew it, my eyes welled up.

I passed the 605, and memories of driving down to Biola or Downey came rushing back. Thoughts I had on that routine drive, music I listened too, phone calls I made/received...all of it, flooding my mind in a moment.

Traffic slowed as I approached the 57 and I was reminded of my Cal Poly days. My only two steady friends, Michelle and Chris. My Spanish teacher who sat on the floor in the hallway outside his office with me as I took the final because my alarm didn't go off and I missed it. Singing in a choir with forty-some people over the age of 65.

Whizzing by Upland, I remembered all the weeks we drove out there for Mrs. Lane's classes as well as Music Nights at FHB. my home school days are precious to me.

I arrived at my cousin's house to babysit and her two little girls welcomed me with open arms...Little A even called me by name!

When I got home, I took the dog to the canyon for a sunset walk. It was SO BEAUTIFUL. I cannot even describe it. hours of my childhood were spent in that canyon. I knew the rocks like the back of my hand. I could run/rock-hop from the Nature Center to the falls (over a mile) and never miss a beat...err...a rock. I love the way the cool air from the canyon mixes with the warm air from the outside the canyon, giving a constant, fascinating temperature shift.

I sat on a rock over looking the dry river-bed and watched the sun against the mountains go from softening golden yellow to cozy warm pink to deep orange. The smells of the foliage, rocks, dry river-bed all mingled to make a familiar, comforting scent. I was listening to Nickel Creek's "Out of the Woods" and
"Sweet Afton"

I wanted that moment to last for hours.

And in that moment...i must confess...I did not want to move at all.
In fact who would want to live anywhere else? People think LA and they think traffic, smog, crime etc... But that place, at that moment.... mmm, I sure hope God has something like the San Gabriel's at sunset in heaven.

This blog got way off topic from resolutions. I was just reminded today at how incredible my current home is. and basically, my only "resolution" would be to stay sane these next weeks and move with confidence that this is what I'm supposed to be doing.

Honestly, I'm not sure if I should be grateful for the weather or be praying it turns nasty so that I won't mind leaving so much. *sigh*

I didn't mean that.

I'm really very grateful that God is blessing my last weeks here with such amazingness. He knows just what to do to make my heart smile.

So if you are from So Cal...enjoy each moment. Take a little bit of time and go outside and just soak it in. If you're not from here...well I'd suggest you look for cheap flights quick and come out. It's worth it...trust me.

peace to you.

2011-12-31T16:05:00.001-08:00

I just sat here and wrote out several beginnings to this blog...
...and then deleted them all.

It is really challenging to know what to say as this year draws to a close. Looking back on the past 364 days, I am amazed at what has transpired. So many life milestones...and yet here I am, feeling just the same as last new years eve.

How is it that I'm a whole year older, and I still feel like sometimes I haven't grown up very much at all?

How is it that I have learned and absorbed a ridiculous amount of information about God and then realize that I have barely scratched the surface of who he is?

How is it that I listen to the same songs with the same words and they still give me chills and speak to my heart?

How is it that I have experienced some really tough life changes and can still stand here today, ready to take on another year potentially full of more challenges, trials and heartbreak?

Oh wait, I know the answer to that one. Turns out, I have an incredibly faithful God who has kept me steady, stayed by my side and given me copious amounts of grace through it all.

So you know what? I can't wait for next year. Bring it on. I am so ready to take on the joys, challenges, change, routine, and everything else in between. Because I can totally do this. um... me and Him can totally do this. And it won't be from a place of striving or trying too hard or feeling restless and stressed. Because I am going to remember this:

"As this year draws to a close, receive My Peace. This is still your deepest need, and I, your Prince of Peace, long to pour Myself into your neediness. My abundance and your emptiness are a perfect match. I designed you to have no sufficiency of your own. I created you as a jar of clay, set apart for sacred use. I want you to be filled with My very Being, permeated through and through with Peace. Thank me for My peaceful Presence, regardless of your feelings. Whisper My Name in loving tenderness. My Peace, which lives continually in your spirit, will gradually work its way through your entire being.
Isaiah 9:6; 2 Corinthians 4:7; John 14:26-27."

[Jesus calling by sarah young, pg 382]

So may peace rain down from Heaven
Like little pieces of the sky
Little keepers of the promise
Falling on these souls the drought has dried
In His Blood and in His Body
In this Bread and in this Wine
Peace to you
Peace of Christ to you
[r. mullins]

So as you close the chapter that was last year, and start on fresh blank pages that are 2012, peace be with you. May it fill your heart and overflow your soul. If you have known this peace before, may you be reminded of its refreshing and comforting power.
If you have never experienced this peace before, I pray that this year you can meet God. And on these fresh blank pages of the new year you can detail a story unlike one that your past chapters of life have ever seen before.

In the Blink of an Eye.

2011-12-25T13:11:00.000-08:00

I know this is going to sound like I'm a pre-teen boy, but it is the truth. I tend to think i'm slightly invincible. I mean, not really invincible, obviously. But scary things haven't happened to me, so it is one of those out-of-sight-out-of-mind things.

That is why my adventure the other day was a much-needed wake-up call. Allow me to tell you what happened.

It was a gorgeous day in Arizona. Temperatures were in the 60's, sky cloudy with some sun-rays shining through. My dad, brothers and sister-in-law were headed into the desert to do some quality quadding. I have been on a four-wheeler before, although haven't driven one. Driving things doesn't scare me. I'm not a daredevil, but I do know how to have a fun time. I was originally going to ride with my sister-in-law, but she wanted to go with my brother, so I got my own.

The open desert is beautiful. This was a little canyon we looked out over from one of our trails.

Joey is super-fierce on his lil quad.

My brother, Johnny, starting up the quad that I was driving. It was a hefty machine.

Me and Amy looking super legit in our helmetage.

So we go riding off through the desert. I was getting the hang of the ATV i was driving and learning how to ride the road-bumps and to get the most fun out of it! My fingers were a bit numb, as the wind-chill factor at 30 mph can be biting, and I had left my gloves in the car.

about half hour into our ride, we get to this steep hill. Both my brothers headed up, and I followed behind, with my dad bringing up the rear. Then we decided to go down the other side. My dad stopped everyone and told my brothers to check out the down-hill slope and see if it was safe for us to go down. It was a pretty steep incline with a v-ditch down the middle. My younger brother, Joe, checked it and said it was fine and went down. John told Amy to get off the ATV and walk down, since two going down wouldn't be very good. He went up on the left side and leaned away from ditch and made it down. I watched him do it, and headed down. I was careful, slow and began leaning against the gravitational pull.

Then i felt it lean to one side. My weight wasn't going to keep it upright. my instinct was to speed up and get down quicker. But then it just kept tipping. So I bailed. Straight up jumped off. since it was harder to jump opposite of the tipping ATV, I went the dangerous route. I thought with my weight off that it would right itself and just keep going down the hill. But it was too far gone. It continued tipping, straight toward me. As I saw it coming toward me, I turned around to protect my front-side, and ducked my head. The rest happened in a matter of seconds. It was crushing my ankle and foot, and I tried to push it off. I don't remember this, but supposedly it hit my head as I leaned down to push it off. It was heavy and I couldn't push it.

In that moment, my thoughts included, "This is it...I am going to get crushed. something will at least get broken. Oh, God...this is it, here I come. Oh no! the ATV is going to be ruined! I was so stupid!"

I was totally dazed, but next thing I knew, the quad was off of me and plummeting down the hill or more accurately, it was still flipping and rolling. I looked down and saw my brother, Joe scramble off his quad and run up the hill, yelling something I didn't hear. Pretty sure I've never seen him move so fast. But the quad was coming right for him and he tried to stop it. It was too heavy and almost crushed him too. I screamed, because watching my brother get hit by a quad was a sight I wasn't ready for, since I had obviously survived.

He thankfully got out of the way and wasn't hurt at all. My body was numb and I wasn't sure what had been hurt or how bad. My mind was spinning and I couldn't make any thoughts connect. Joe said he saw it roll over and hit my head and thought I would be knocked out for sure. After a few minutes, I started feeling where it hit me. My ankle hurt the worst, but within a few moments, I realized that it was just badly bruised, but nothing worse.

It was probably the most dangerous situation I'd been in so far in my life. A friend's dad had recently been in an ATV accident and was killed suddenly, and so I knew how fine that line was between badly bruised and dead. I should have been crushed. Bones should have been broken. But for some reason, I escaped with a lot of bruises and sore muscles. Minimal injury. This can only mean one thing.

There is a God. He is watching out for me. He's not done with me yet.

I'm so grateful. And that doesn't even begin to express it, though. I started the day thinking that accidents can't happen if you're not being crazy. And I ended the day realizing that anything can happen to anyone at any time. No one is exempt. Only the hand of God can allow or prevent anything from happening. So glad it's not just "lucky stars" or "karma"...

Remember that...life could change at any moment. I know it is cliche to say, "live each day like your last." So instead, I'd say, live each day realizing that in the blink of an eye, it could all change. There is only one thing that remains constant through life, death, injury, pain, loss, joy and change. and so clinging to that like a lifeline is the only way to make it through whatever comes. Trust Him...because words like, "let down" or "abandonment" or "second-guess" or "Plan B" or "surprises" or "accidents" are not in his vocabulary.

And this is why I love Him. Well that, and lots of other reasons too, of course.

There she goes...

2011-12-17T08:02:00.000-08:00

It was 7:43 am. It was Saturday morning, and I had another hour before my alarm went off. I was blissfully unaware of what was going on in the world. From the depths of my dreaming, I hear the home phone ring. In the fogginess, I am aware that my mom gets out of bed and answers it. It's too early for phone calls, and I distinctly remember thinking, "seriously mom, this is what we have an answering machine for."

Then there are pounding footsteps, and all I hear is, "NOT MY TREE!" There is pleading in her voice. From out front, I hear a gruff, "Ma'am, step back. Ma'am, please move away from the tree. we HAVE to cut it down."

Immediately I am fully awake. My heart starts pounding. they mean OUR tree? It survived the storm! Why would they cut it down? Sure it's leaning...but it's STILL THERE!
Still in my pajamas, I run down the stairs and to the front door. Our poor neighbor Denise is standing in our driveway in her bathrobe. "I'm just so sorry, I've been out here since 6 am trying to convince them not to. I told them that you would be devastated. I told them to double check because I knew it would make you upset! I'm so sorry!" She is close to tears.

By the time I got down there, my parents are sitting on the front steps, a dazed look on my mom's face. The men in neon safety vests and hardhats are still cutting at the trunk of this tree. They obviously are annoyed to be disrupted. They've been picking up wind debris for over two weeks and they just want to be done.

The foreman is saying something about a major root that broke, and it's just not safe.

Finally there is a crack and the giant tree topples into the street.

a piece of my heart broke. You might be saying, "Look, it's just a tree...they grow, plant a new one." But I don't think you understand.

We grew up with this tree. As my mom says, "We've been waiting 25 years for it to finally grow into an amazing shade tree for the morning sun." We used to climb it barefoot as kids. On the days when normal kids were in school, we were tying ropes from the branches, attempting to shimmy up the side. My brothers are well-known in our friend groups for making the most epic blow-guns this side of the Mississippi. And anyone who engaged in wars with us knows what the acorns from that tree felt like snapping against your back as you ran away. it was a seriously a landmark of our time at this house.

I couldn't take it anymore. I snapped some pictures. My eyes filled up with tears. I turned around and went back inside. I didn't know what to think. My previous blog JUST SAID how much I hate change. well change that messes with my childhood? It's the worst of all.
How dare the hardhats and neon vests come and callously remove it. How dare they think we're crazy for mourning its loss. I mean it's one thing if the wind blew it over. No one can help that.
I know it's a bit dramatic, But obviously, John Muir and I thought a lot alike,
"God has cared for these trees, saved them from drought, disease, avalanches, and a thousand tempests and floods. But he cannot save them from fools."

Yeah...they just didn't stop.

It's gonna be so bare and naked on our front easement.

And since it's the city's property, we can't just plant a new one. They have to (if they decide to at all) and it will be another 25 years before it's grown like this one.

The really empty easement.

The pile of logs in the back yard. It is so sad to see them all stacked and in pieces.

It is difficult to realize how great a part of all that is cheerful and delightful in the recollections of our own life is associated with trees. ~Wilson Flagg

So is it a bit strange that I came right up to my room and wrote a blog about this? Maybe. But I just needed to process it and write it down and share it with those who might have known the tree. I'm telling you, losing that tree was like saying goodbye to a piece of my childhood and that is never easy. It's hard enough to remember all the amazing times let alone, having a reminder being torn up by it's very roots.

A few minutes ago every tree was excited, bowing to the roaring storm, waving, swirling, tossing their branches in glorious enthusiasm like worship. But though to the outer ear these trees are now silent, their songs never cease. Every hidden cell is throbbing with music and life, every fiber thrilling like harp strings, while incense is ever flowing from the balsam bells and leaves. No wonder the hills and groves were God's first temples, and the more they are cut down and hewn into cathedrals and churches, the farther off and dimmer seems the Lord himself.
~John Muir

Anyway, thanks for reading. If anyone is handing out free hugs, I'll take one.

done fighting change.

2011-12-15T09:56:00.000-08:00

I literally sat at my computer, staring at the screen, unsure of what to write. stupid writer's block. Then I realized, I have yet to update my blog-reading populous of the ending of an era for me.

About two weeks ago, I worked my last day at SGHS for my internship. The feelings I had were mixed with expected and unexpected. For those of you who don't know me very well, change is not something I enjoy or anticipate. In fact, I fight it. When my mom wanted to change the living room up, I tried to convince her not to. When I quit home schooling and started "real" high school, I cried almost every day for the first few weeks. See...I get in a rhythm and become comfortable...and consequently complacent. God likes to shake things up and move it around. And so far, after everything settles a bit, the changes in my life have blessed me beyond what I can imagine.

So. I'm learning to accept change as it comes, knowing that it'll all be ok. Leaving my internship was no exception. I was preparing myself in advance, knowing the day would come when I was leaving. I kept saying to myself, "Suz...it's ok. Change has always ended up good for you. Don't miss out on the last weeks of this because you're worried about the end." See, that's a common theme for me. I am so focused on the end and the date of change that I totally stop enjoying the last moments I have in the place I love. But I wasn't gonna do that this time.

There are few adequate words to describe what working Probation was like for me. I loved every aspect of it. Sure, filing paperwork isn't riveting and scanning documents can be tedious...but seriously, I loved it all. My supervisor probably thought I was just kissing up and trying to make a good impression. Then I'm pretty sure he thought I was just plain crazy.

Reading case files, talking to kids, listening to parents, lunch-time supervision, writing reports, sitting in on court, attending school meetings...everything was an adventure and learning experience. Plus it combines all the things that I would consider are my passions: hurting/broken kids, speaking spanish, spreading the light and love of Jesus, crime and Los Angeles.

I'd leave every day with a smile on my face and think to myself, "THIS is what I was meant to do." I was amazed at how well a job can fit someone so well. Sometimes it feels like cheating to enjoy a profession so much.

Anyone who knows me can attest. One day I got home from internship and my cousin was at my house and he said, "Wow...you must love what you do because your face is really happy and glowing." And my parents have heard enough stories to satisfy any crime-craving-curiosity they might have had for the rest of their lives.

So ending this era was hard for me. I went home and wrote down every one of my kids' names in my journal so I wouldn't forget them and keep them as a prayer list. (Ha..."my kids"...I'm so possessive!) But I have invested time into these kids. I've read their files, I've had meetings with them, I've handed out consequences, I've tracked grades/attendance, I've met with their parents, I've been to their court hearings, I've even been to one of their houses. and I want to know where they end up. Ugh...my supervisor said I was always more Social-worker than Probation officer. Trust me, though...I had no problem sending them to camp or putting them on house arrest if they needed it. I feel I was very well balanced =) (and just fyi, no I didn't get to make those final decisions...I was JUST the intern. But my supervisor did let me toss my ideas out there to consider)

I will miss my supervisor. I couldn't have asked for anyone better to teach me the ropes of the profession. We made such a great team. Imagine us walking around campus at lunch time. He's tall, big and black; I'm short, small and white...and we're surrounded by 3,500 Hispanic kids. we were awesome. So, we'll be in touch. He's convinced I'll spend three weeks in the winter and beg to come back. He also said he's looking for Probation jobs for me so that I HAVE to come back.

I knew the school, the counselors, the dean, the student aides. All familiar faces that I will probably never see again.

ugh...and I'm moving to Minnesota. a lifetime away from that high school in Southern California. Whaaaat am I thinking!?

At this point, though, the future is exciting...and I honestly don't know when or where I'll work probation again. God knows how much I love it. He'll know when I get to work it again. In the mean time, I'm going to enjoy the changes my life is taking. Because seriously, I get to nanny my adorable niece. and live in an awesome lil' loft. and bond with my brother and sister-in-law. These are awesome changes. It's one of the first times I've been able to hand it all over to God and trust my passions/skills/experiences with him. Because he gave them to me...he'll know what to do with them and he'll keep them safe until I use them in Probation again.

So to the kids and PO of SGHS, it's been fun...seriously. and it's been real. more real than I could have asked for. Pretty sure I'll never forget you guys and all the grief you gave me ;) I will continue to pray for you all. And I plan on checking in with the PO to see where all of you end up on your next court dates. Your lives and hearts mean so much to me. adios muchachos.

C# minor

2011-12-12T21:45:00.000-08:00

That is my favorite chord. I cannot explain this very well... but whenever I play it on the piano, it just fits with my inner-musical-heart. like intertwining fingers. I was playing a song on the piano tonight that had that chord in it...and whenever I would play it, my insides just sighed and i think they smiled too.

ugh, that sounds so weird. its really challenging trying to explain what fitting music feels like.

Anyway. this is sort of a random, semi-informative blog about my life. with pictures. Lots of pictures. you're welcome.

First off, several weeks ago, I went to my Aunt and Uncle's house for dinner, when they had all their local kids and grandkids over. SO much fun...lots of lively energy. And here are some pictures.

Princesses J & S showing off their princess collection. they play so well together!

The ever-growing Fischer! Pretty content to sit on the ground with a water-bottle.

Post-dinner Bible stories on Grandpa's lap. Sweet moment.

Sibling love!

~~~~~~~~~

Now we skip ahead to the most epic wind-storm EVER. Almost every fall, Southern California experiences the Santa Ana winds, created by the Santa Ana pass. Normally they can get brisk, and are warm-ish and are one of my favorite features of living here. But this year, it was like living "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs." Seriously. It started on a wednesday night at Bible study. it went from breezy to stormy in a half hour. then the power went out. and it continued all through the night. It felt like our house would blow down. I have never heard such howling wind. I kept expecting Giant Hamburgers to be rolling down the street. Or a humongous pickle to land in my roof. Or to see the schools covered in monstrous pancakes.

Here is the aftermath. They said the winds were anywhere from 57-97 mph in places. Hurricane status. My dad has lived here his whole life (it's a lot of years...but i'll keep it vague for his sake ;) and he has never seen anything this bad. They condemned houses, power was out for close to a week in some areas, people's cars were smashed, monumental trees that had stayed standing for decades were toppled...it was epic and ridiculous.

A Magnolia tree limb in the middle of the road, down the street from my house. Turns out, Magnolia's and Palms are some of the messiest or precarious trees for a storm. pines are messy too.

The Base of a Palm that just snapped off.

And the top of the same palm that snapped off.

This was the front of our house. this shows the minimal amount of junk there was everywhere. but it was pretty thrashed.

Our beloved Acorn tree in the front yard started pulling up the grass and leaning to one side. So we thought we'd try and save it by driving Simon over the grass to tamp it down. It didn't make it lean back the right way, but it IS still standing. ish. with a lean.

Overall, it was a crazy experience. there are a lot more pictures online...these are just mine I took. It really gave me a glimpse into the power of God. I mean, that wind was no joke. and we are at the mercy of God...because there is no controlling those elements.

~~~~~~~~~

On to a tragic story from Indiana. *disclaimer: There is no one to blame for the following incident. it was an accident and could happen to any average Tom, Dick or Harry. Just sayin."

We were singing in the basement. about to start the last verse of "It is Well." Kaitlyn runs down the stairs yelling something, but the singing is too loud we can't hear her. Many of us were wondering how she could be so rude as to interrupt our worship. she runs over and yells again, "THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!"

it got real quiet, real quick. we all ran upstairs. smoke was filling the dining room. we all ran outside. i caught a glimpse in the kitchen. the table was on fire. we called 911. someone brought the burning things outside. where was the fire extinguisher? lots of yelling. too much yelling. it was really cold outside.

the remains:

Brandon's jacket caught on fire from the candles. that is what is left of it. it was a pretty swell jacket.

there was also a harmonica case that burnt. ruined like two harmonicas.

This was the table post-fire. it wasn't as bad as we first thought. still traumatizing.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Alright. This is my friend Megan.

She's awesome. No, seriously...one of my greatest friends.

Sometimes we get bored of just sitting around talking. so we do crazy stuff...like go to CVS. There's a lot more there than one would previous realize.

like a fluffy blanket for like $3 and these awesome glitter-coloring things.

#winning

Later I met up with my other dear friend from college, Azlin

We went to my old place of work and sat at the counter for about 2 hours, talking to servers, busboys and cooks. (one of which totally took care of our tab! Gracias Miguel!) But it was so great to just hang out and catch up. If I'm completely honest, I really miss working there.

and I love Azlin a lot too. She talks spanish to me and makes me practice. She's Mexican. I love anything Mexican.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Hung out with this awesome group of girls the other day

Maggie, Carissa, Amy, Me & Bethany

we went to this awesome museum thing with this cool Noah's Ark display. Everything was made out of recycled things. pretty incredible.

Like this Alligator. Made from a Violin case, a tire on the back, doorknobs for eyes, gloves covering them to give it facial expression, and it was eating part of the violin. SO creative and awesome.

This is Amy doing something awesome.

This is Bethany in the animal-food-chamber-thing. She was fascinated by the different nuts n stuff.

~~~~~~~~~~

And tonight...

YAY CHRISTMAS CARDS! no, really...I'm glad they're done. Turns out, we know a LOT of people.

So there you have it, folks. a bit of my life in pictures. Life has been good and busy. And it is only about to get busier. Almost exactly a month until I move...and I'm pretty sure I'm in denial about what packing up and leaving is going to mean. And I will probably remain that way until I'm pulling out of my driveway.

It's not really the thought that counts.

2011-12-11T15:34:00.000-08:00

I apologize for the break in writing. I know its hard to believe, but i don't live with inspiration oozing out of my pores. Plus it's been a crazy week. I got back from a great trip to Indiana and hit the ground running. I'm packing in lots of friend time. When one moves, one's friends come out of the wood-work and demand all of one's spare hang-out time. (which can be challenging when one has limited funds to spend on the plethora of outings facing her)

*quick break to skype the cute niece*

Ok I'm back. So today in church, we had a visiting minister from St. Louis, and he said some things that really caught my attention.

We read the story in Chronicles of the moving of the Ark of the Covenant. I used to wonder why this story was included, but Loren made a really interesting point.

For those of you who don't know, or are a bit fuzzy, I'll give a quick re-cap. It is a relatively short story...but basically, King David acknowledges that the Ark has been neglected under the rule of former King Saul and calls for it to be moved from the house of this guy Abinadab. This was no small affair. He called all the people from South by Egypt to way up north for this event of moving the Ark. They put it on a new cart for transportation, which was guided by these two guys, Uzzah and Ahio. Then everyone was playing music as loud as they could with all kinds of instruments. I believe the words in my translation were "Celebrating before God with all their might."

Then it happened. I can picture it now. Everyone is singing and playing music loudly, following this in this procession. The roads are rough and have dips and potholes, due to exposure to the elements and frequent travel. The oxen pulling the cart step wrong and stumble, causing the cart to lurch. Not wanting this precious oracle to suffer harm and fall off the wagon, Uzzah reaches out his hand and touches the Ark to steady it.

In that moment, God's anger burned against Uzzah, because he touched the Ark, and he struck him dead, on the spot. Just like that.

I'm sure everyone was stunned. This man literally touched the Ark (a seemingly harmless thing to do) and then dropped over dead.

David didn't understand and got upset with God's outburst of anger. It didn't seem fair at ALL! The guy was just trying to make sure that the sacred Ark was not damaged. But God made it very clear how the Ark was to be handled...and touching it was not part of the deal at ALL.

So now here we sit, wondering why God struck him dead. The thing is, WE are judging the situation by the action/outcome...not by the intention. All we see is the fact that the Ark was falling, and a man steadied it. No big deal, right? And like David, we rush to judging God's decision to strike him dead. This is because we do not understand the intention behind what God did.

How come I judge people so much more harshly than myself? Because I know my intentions, and all I see is their actions. When someone speaks a sharp word, I wonder why they can't control themselves or hold their tongue. But when i speak a sharp word, I know it was just because I had a bad day, or received some rough news, so I have grace for myself.

I cannot begin to understand God. I feel sorta sad for Uzzah. But I cannot judge God's actions. I do know that God takes his law very seriously. There is no excuse for disobeying what God so carefully put in place.

All that to say...here's what I learned.

Lesson regarding myself: Good intentions are not enough. The actions must follow. I cannot doing a wrong action while saying in my head, "well it's not REALLY my intention to be doing this right now...I should be acting better, but I'm doing the best I can." or telling someone after yelling at them, "Well I didn't WANT to yell at you, you just frustrated me so much." (that's a classic blame-shift and good-intention excuse...i've used/thought it many a time, sadly)

Lesson regarding others: Do not judge what we do not know or about that which we assume. We can only truly "pass judgment" or draw conclusions based on God's Word and the Holy Spirit...and even then, we have to be really, REALLY attentive and sure of what God is saying.

So they say it's the thought that counts. But we all know that falls short when said to us in a trite way that disregards the blatantly hurtful actions of the person saying it. When we face Almighty God (the TRUE and ONLY judge) on the Last Day, he won't be saying, "Oh, well i know your intentions were to be a good person...so i'll excuse you're sinful actions." No, no. To whom much is given, much is required. we'll be held accountable for our actions.

peeling off layers.

2011-11-30T16:23:00.000-08:00

As a fair warning, this is a lengthy post. But mainly because I am quoting a section of a book. But don't be intimidated by the words...they aren't all mine...but they ARE worth reading.

one of my favorite books is "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers. It basically is the story of Hosea, but in fictional form. The book is fantastic, but there is once scene in the book that particularly grabs me every time. I've read the book at least three times and each time this scene makes me cry.

Quick recap...
Angel is a former prostitute who ended up married to this amazing, godly man named Michael.
Even though he loved her unconditionally, provided for her and never gave her any reason to leave, she kept abandoning him and going back to her old lifestyle. each time he went after her and brought her home and forgave her. Finally on her third time of running away, Michael doesn't go after her, because he realizes she must WANT to come back on her own. Angel decides that there might be something to this God that Michael has a relationship with. Instead of going to prostitution again, she actually starts a house for former prostitutes and teaches them skills so they can get new jobs and earn a respectable living.

But then she realizes she loves Michael and wants him to know of the change in her life.

So she goes home. And this is where my favorite scene takes place.

Angel could see Michael working in the field. She was so full of conflicting emotions she could hardly bear it. Self-doubt, self-hatred, struggling pride, and fear. all the things that had sent her running so long ago, and some that had kept her from going to him before now. She couldn't allow them to stop her again...With trembling hands she removed the trappings of the world. She dropped her shawl and took off the woolen jacket...she unhooked her skirt and let it slide...to the ground. She stepped out of it. Without faltering, she walked toward him...With each garment she removed and dropped, she cast away anger, fear and her blindness to the multitudes of joy in life, her own desperate pride. She had one single, abiding purpose: to show Michael she loved him, and she peeled away the layers of pride one by one until she was humbled by her own nakedness...As she came close...all her carefully planned words fled. So many words to say a simple heartfelt thing: I love you and I'm sorry. She could not even speak....Weeping, Angel sank to her knees. Hot tears fell on his boots. She wiped them away with her hair. She bent over, heartbroken, and put her hands on his feet. "Oh...I'm sorry..."
She felt his hand on her head. "My love," he said. He took hold of her and drew her up again...[his eyes] were wet like hers, but filled with light.
"I hoped you would come home someday."
(Redeeming Love: pgs 459-461)

I have felt like this not too long ago. Wanting so bad to come back to my One Love after doing something stupid and messing up. Feeling guilty, and yet loving Him so much, I can't stand to be apart from Him any more. I worry if He'll really want me back. Maybe I waited too long...maybe he has given up hope that I'll ever come back. But I knew what I needed to do.
This imagery of peeling off the layers and the trappings of pride, fear and doubt is so powerful to me. I need to come before him with nothing. Naked and vulnerable, kneeling at his feet, completely at His mercy.

I had heard the stories of the prodigal son...but when it came to me and my mess-ups, doubt filled my mind.

But when I fell to His feet, unable to articulate everything I had practiced in the mirror...he gently lifted me up and with tears in his loving eyes, said how much he hoped I would come home someday.

and he forgave me.

I am so unworthy of this kind of love.

and he has never failed to show it to me, even when I lose hope for myself.

My constant prayer is that I can come before my God...having peeled off the layers of my heart and exposing the hidden corners that represent shame and fear and guilt. He will do the healing, and will ALWAYS take me back.

two is better than one.

2011-11-27T15:48:00.001-08:00

So I know I should be updating you all on Mexico...but first things first.

Math is so very simple. you know...1+1=2. always.

so when you take this:

and add it to this...

you obviously get this....

hehe, which manifests itself as this...

Aren't they just so cute!?

So this post is an announcement that one of my best friends, date-night partner, cool-car driver, deep-darkie confidant and cousin is getting married.

Jonathan could not have picked a better girl. Or should I say...God could not have picked a better girl for Jonathan =)
Kali is beautiful, smart, a pioneer and loves Jesus with all her heart. I am so very excited. And as sad as I am not to be the main girl in Jon's life anymore, I couldn't ask for anyone better to replace me than Kali ;)

love you both. blessings as you start out this new season of your life!

mexico, te veo pronto!

2011-11-18T11:26:00.000-08:00

See that? It's a flag.
of a country.
that I will soon be in.
one of my favoritest countries in the whole wide world.

That's right, it is time once again for our annual trip to Magdalena de Kino, Mexico.
I have been to Magdalena close to 16 times in the past five-ish years. Six of those times have been the past consecutive Thanksgivings. It has become a tradition for my family to go down to Mexico and spend the week working, cooking and serving Thanksgiving dinner to 300 people (give or take a few). I love it so much.

Plus my friend Katie lives down there and owns the cutest little coffee shop which I wrote about here. I am excited to see her again and drink some yummy drinks and eat a yummy baked good.

Please keep us in your prayers. Not only for everyone's safe travels down there, but also for the week, and CVE (the orphanage) as well. we have a powerful Enemy who would like nothing more than to thwart the work of God going on in the lives of all associated with this place.
But God is able and faithful to protect the hearts, minds and bodies of His children. Also pray for the townspeople that we will be serving. Pray that our light of Christ can shine brightly as we just do something as simple as share a meal together.

And with that, my blog-readers, I sign off for a week. I shall be sure and post many pictures and whatnot when I get back!

adios muchachos!

All is right in the world.

2011-11-16T18:55:00.000-08:00

Well...at least for right now.

My day started out so nice. I got to sleep in and take my time getting ready. Then I went to my cousin's house to babysit her two girls. They were just going down for their naps when I got there, so I was able to spend some time doing my Bible study on Esther. When that was finished I even got in an episode of House =) Then we had fun eating macaroni (childhood staple) and playing various games.

I was watching them sort some toys at one point and saw little A's pants and it was so cute, I just had to take a picture!

Baby got sag.

Here is a face picture though. She gets this wild, happy grin on her face and you really can't help but smile too! (oh and she has a bit of bed-hair going on, as this picture was taken post-nap)

She is about 15 months and today, for some reason, she had this fascination with my iPhone. Granted, the lock screen picture is that cute one of her napping. So she would just push the power button and giggle and point and squeal. And she would not relinquish it. She'd hold it up to her ear and walk around pretending to have a conversation.

I heard a few words from her today: Daddy, mine, yours, more, please and I think she said my name. It was so cute because she is still not really talking, but she grunts and makes noises with a random intelligible word thrown in here or there.

*sigh* I know I write about these girls a lot. But they're just so cute and I watch them pretty frequently!

On another note, today was a BIG DAY for me and my main man, Simon.
As you all might remember, me and Simon got in a bit of a tussle with a lil' Honda civic. Simon survived the encounter with relatively minor injuries. But it still made me really sad he was damaged.
We did some shopping around at various truck-doctors and found one who would fix him up and wasn't too expensive (vehicle health-care these days, I tell ya...so expensive.)

They helped me out, found the right parts and had him fixed up in just a few days. Efficient and a good deal. Really more than I could have asked for. (I would recommend them to anyone in the area. B&K auto body.)

So here is Simon's before picture. =(

And...drumroll please!

Here he is looking all nice and new! brand new side panel and a nice new bumper.
I'm so happy my boy is all fixed up!

Then tonight was Bible study on Esther. So good. perfect way to wrap up the evening!

See? overall today was a fantastic day! I can't wait to see what God has in store for me tomorrow!

collector of my tears.

2011-11-13T20:15:00.000-08:00

being home schooled, I had many wonderful opportunities to go on these fantastic field trips that most kids didn't get to go on. One of my favorites was to this museum called "The Holy Land Exhibition." It was this old house that had rooms of artifacts, maps and imported goods from the Holy Land that this man collected. there were a few people dressed in clothing from Jesus' time and they told about the culture surrounding the various Bible stories we know and love.

One of the little artifacts that I remember clearly was this little clay jar. it resembled more of a vase and looked something like this:

The woman who had on traditional Jewish clothing picked up this vase and would say, "This jar was for collecting tears. if someone died, they would take this jar, hold it up to their eye and let their tears fall into it. Then they would seal it up and bury it with their loved one as a reminder of how much they cared for that person."

I have this picture of her demonstrating it very clearly in my mind.

Today in church, we read Psalm 56. David wrote this psalm when he was taken by his enemies, the Philistines. It talks about him trusting God even when his enemies are around him and he feels oppressed. verse 8 caught my attention:

You have kept count of my tossings;
put my tears in your bottle.
Are they not in your book?

This imagery that David paints here is so precious to me. There are many times I feel as though my unsettled thoughts or tears can just happen and go unnoticed. But God keeps count of my tossings...and he puts my tears in his bottle. He holds each one and puts it in a jar because they are sacred, meaningful and important to him. the pain, healing, joy or sorrow that it represents in my life all gets held safely in his bottle and is recorded in his book.

for some reason, that is so comforting to me.

verses 9-11 show the confidence David had in God, because he knew that God could be trusted with his tossings and tears:

Then my enemies will turn back
in the day when I call.
This I know, that God is for me.
In God, whose word I praise,
in the LORD, whose word I praise,
in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.
What can man do to me?

I want this confidence. I want to trust my tears are in God's bottle and that he cares about them and what they mean for me. I want to believe and have faith that the God in whose Word I praise, is for me. Man cannot do anything to me.
I think about all the things that have made me cry involving other people:
slicing words.
a broken heart.
a spiteful and hateful spirit.
misunderstandings.
snubbing and loneliness.

but I shall not limit my life, afraid that these things might happen again. No situation will cause me to run with my tail between my legs. I won't become jaded and cynical. I won't become mistrusting and suspicious. I won't need to feel neglected or mistreated or forgotten.
Because I trust in God. Because he holds my tears in his bottle. and writes about them in his book. not only are they remembered, but they are cherished and cared for.

nothing in particular, everything in general.

2011-11-12T15:24:00.000-08:00

So I've been collecting pics on my iPhone and so I decided to do a random post of all the happenings of my life as of late. Sorry I haven't really done any sort of deep/spiritual post lately. I'll do it soon enough, don't worry =)

And this post will be a lot about children. I seriously babysit 2-5 times weekly.

This is me and Sasha. She is my cousin's daughter. It is my first time babysitting her and her little brother. But they were SO good! such sweet kids. We spent most of our time at the park, which they loved.

This is Fischer. He has the greatest facial expressions. And he looks just like his Daddy, Kurt. He was just happy to sit in the swing and look all around and drool.

Not sure if this is a new nick-name or not, but Sash started calling Fischer "Fish-Stick" at the park...so we called him that the rest of the day. her little pigtails are just SO CUTE.

Thursday night, I went out to Simi Valley with my cousin Bec and her two daughters (who I have written posts about before). We went to watch my other cousins Justin and Seth play in their marching band at the football game.
J really enjoyed the feature of my phone that allowed us to take pics of ourselves from the front-camera.

There's the marching band that my cousins are playing it. It was so well done!

J&A using the awesome iPhone feature.

This is the marching band in their perfect line!

This is me and Callum and Nathan (who is my cousin). they are that fun age of 7...just too many exciting times and its tempting to always want to smooch their cute lil cheeks. (unfortunately they don't always appreciate that!)

The other day I was babysitting Bec's daughters, and this is how I found little A when I went to go check on her. I just love her little pigtail off the top of her head and her little tush up in the air!

One of the newer little girls I babysit. She is four, very into gymnastics (hence the leotard), loves talking about anything and everything. Her name is Graham. She has a little sister Piper, but she was sleeping the whole time I was there.

Random piece of trivia. my dog eats raw pumpkin. even slightly old, wilty pumpkin. GROSS. But our pumpkins kept disappearing from the table and I found her eating one in the yard. hopefully it doesn't kill her.

This year was my Grammy's 81st birthday. I love these family times. We all squeeze in the dining room of whatever house we're at, we sing, laugh, talk, eat and it's just so wonderful. and loud. the children run, yell, hide, touch EVERYTHING and screech. But I would never trade these memories for anything. Happy birthday Grammy! I love you!

This is my job description.
I could seriously wake up everyday and do this for a really, really long time.

And since we're speaking of work, this is the collection of gangster belt-buckles we have confiscated and that sit on our wall side-board. I should take a pic of the hats we confiscate...I think we have close to 20.

this is just a random picture of a car I saw driving on the 110 the other day. it made me laugh...It was slow traffic, so I was stopped at the time of the picture taking, for those of you who are concerned with my safety.

And I'll leave you all with that. I am actually headed out to go babysitting again! And you'll probably end up seeing those pictures!

Blessings on your weekend!

fall.fellowship.friends.

2011-11-07T19:09:00.000-08:00

So California only has two churches from the Apostolic Christian denomination. Many people from the mid-west don't really understand the distance between these two churches...or that california is a state that is 770 miles from top to bottom. So when you visit Sacramento, chances are, we won't be seeing you in church in Altadena on Sunday...just sayin'.

So the two churches are Altadena and San Diego. We are roughly two hours apart and our attendees have known each other the better part of our lives. But crazy thing is, we don't see each other all that often. Living in Southern California is awesome...and time-consuming. we all have our own fast-paced lives and months pass before we see each other.

But this past year...drumroll please...

we decided to change that.

That's right. San Diego and Altadena are combining forces and actually spending monthly time together. We hang out, do Bible Studies, sing, eat and generally just bond. It is so much fun!

This past weekend, us Altadenans went down to San Diego (last month they came up here) and this is what the weekend became.

Saturday morning, Jonathan, Andrew, Joseph, Aly, Leslie (Aly's former roommate from Biola) and myself all packed up in my family's trusty white astro van and headed down to the southern most parts of southern california. (seriously...it was so far south that we could see Mexico from a tall building).

This is me and Britt Wag in Seaport Villiage. we had yummy Greek food. Me and her are very similar in that we are both talkative, social and generally free spirits. She is one of my bosom friends.

Here is part of our group mingling after lunch in Seaport Villiage. It was a gorgeous day...cool, crisp, clear and pleasant in the sunshine.

Then we walked over to this fantastic aircraft carrier. (I cannot quite remember the name...but it is a HUGE water-craft and had probably a dozen different kinds of aircraft parked on the top.)

Then we climbed to the top of this really tall Hyatt Hotel or something...(40 floors) and looked out the lounge windows at the top. they overlooked the ocean, harbor and downtown San Diego. SO beautiful.

This was the other side. See the little mountains in the distance? that's Mexico. i love Mexico. just a random tidbit of Suzy trivia for you.

After checking out the awesome views, a few of us decided to walk down instead of taking the elevator (remember, 40 flights of stairs). And then everyone else (well except for a few softies) decided to walk down too. It was loud, echo-y and made for a great calf work-out.

Our next stop was Point Loma and the lighthouse/tidepools there. It was beeeeeautiful!

The California Coastline. It really is a beautiful state. Whether or not you want to admit it.

This is me and Breana. She is getting married. But she graced us with her presence anyway. good to know the engaged folks can still have fun ;) It was a bit bright out, hence the squinty-ness.

This is Linda. She just looked so movie-star-ish that I had to post this picture. When we were little, people used to say we looked so much alike. We never could really see it.

These are some of the girls from the group. (L-R: Kassandra, Linda, Me, Brittney and Breana)
Yes...I know I'm the shortest. It tends to happen a lot. But these girls really are such sweethearts. I love them a lot and really enjoy spending time with them.

Group Shot!

Overall the weekend was such a blast! I love spending time with all of these kids. Even though I've known most of them my whole life, I feel like we've really bonded these last few hang-out times. And even though Breana is getting married and moving to Bluffton (!?) and I'm moving to Minnesota, I hope that we can all stay good life-long friends.

My church denomination provides a unique fellowship that I have not really seen anywhere else. I LOVE that we can capitalize on it and really benefit from it.

Shameless Advertising

2011-11-04T13:21:00.000-07:00

Needs:

Your Need: The holidays are fast approaching and you need to get out and buy those Christmas gifts. Or maybe you just want a lunch out with your friends. Or maybe you need a date night with your husband. Or there is a work Christmas party. All of these are best accomplished sans kids. Now I know you love them...But I also know you need some time without them.

My Need: I have been unable to get a job for the short amount of time I am in California before I move mid-January. And I have this Auntie complex that flares up and can only be taken care of by kids. The combination of loving kids and having a lot of free time (and bills) means we could probably work out a killer deal that benefits us both. really is a win-win.

Experience:

I have been doing child-care of some form since I was 11 years old and was hopping over the back wall to watch the neighbor's son for a few hours in the afternoon. I am willing to watch kids ages...well any age, really. No child is too difficult (trust me, I've had some winners). I am not scared by late nights or early mornings. I change diapers, do bottles, make food, play outside, watch tv, rock the babies, sing, bathtime...pretty much everything but nursing.

FAQ:

1. what do you charge?: well...that is always a subject I don't like talking about. It's like...am I telling you how valuable i think my time/services are? Or am I telling you how much I think you should be valuing your kids and their child care. So I'll just let you pay me what you think is appropriate/what i deserve/what your kids deserve. =)
2. what if I don't have kids/already have a babysitter and this post is useless to me: Well I'm sure you know someone with kids or without a babysitter. soo....maybe you should pass this on to them! If you know I'm trustworthy, then you can put in a good word ;)
3. do you drive? Yes I do. And even though the pictures from previous posts might make you think otherwise, I CAN get there in one piece (my truck, maybe not so much). I have driven all the way from Claremont to Moorpark to South Bay to do babysitting. That is a pretty wide net, just fyi.
4. um what if I'm a babysitter and you're trying to steal my business: I'm not trying to steal your business. but as competitors, we must remember that our primary goal is to bring a service to our client. so if you are unavailable, you can refer them to me for a one-time deal. If they choose my services over yours next time? well...that can't be helped. =)
5. would you ever come become a permanent nanny for my family? even if we live in another state? well it's been known to happen before. but you'd have a tough time topping the pretty sweet deal I'm getting. i mean...she IS my niece. =)

Contact:

If this piques your interest at all, feel free to contact me. my generic email address is: suzanneklotzle@gmail.com. then we can do the whole number exchange thing. I would love to help you out during this busy time of the year!

Picture this. let your mind go there.

Scenario 1: You're walking through a bustling Target...searching for the perfect gift. you are able to move with ease and make your decisions quickly. there are no hands touching all the displays. No child-left-behind at the talking barbie aisle. No, "Mommy I want this one pleeeease can we just buy this one today, pleeeease!?" The next three stops will be made with just as much ease..no car seats, no head counts, no potty stops. and you think in the back of your mind, "ahh the kids are safe and happy. So glad Suzy has no life and could come over short notice."

Scenario 2: You and your Husband are out at a candle-lit dinner. All the food is on the table, and not on the floor. There is not a plastic sippy-cup in sight. You are being looked at with envy by the other tables for your lovely relationship, instead of disgust because your child keeps yelling. You look at the clock and it says 8:30, which means the night has just begun instead of needing to rush home for bedtimes. you shoot a quick text to your trusty babysitter, "Hey we'll be back a little late...we're going for coffee and dessert." (both of which are foreign words to your dining-out vocabularies).

I know you want this. YOU know you want this. your spouse wants this. it is a worthy investment.

Shameless Advertising at its best =)

california fall.

2011-10-31T22:08:00.000-07:00

So it all started a few weeks ago when I decided it would be fun to have a "Fall Party" at our house near Halloween. So the people were invited, the food bought, the activities planned, and this is what we ended up with!

It was a gorgeous October day. high 70's to low 80's. clear skies. gorgeous mountains. All-around perfect day for this get-together.

First was our Pumpkin Carving contest. We split up into eclectic teams (so there were no family members on a team) and we each got a pumpkin and some carving tools and set up at various stations around the back yard.

I just thought this was a super cute and mischievous pic of Tylee. (Who the boys kept referring to as a "he" since her real name is Tyler-Ryan. They said I was cruel for naming her that and that all the doggies at the playground probably make fun of her.)

So here are the teams:

Jonathan, Cody and Joey. No surprise that this team took the longest to complete their pumpkin. Having a current PhD student of engineering on the team really makes for complex pumpkin carving.

This was the dream-team. Bob, Anthony and Garrett. I think Anthony did most of the yucky seed-sorting work. Bob did the initial carving and Garrett just observed and took the credit later.

This was my team (i am not documented due to being the documenter). Justin did a great job drawing on the pumpkin, and Petter helped out with some carving and the seed-sorting. I did the majority of the carving, which is not normal, because i have a rather unsteady hand. But it turned out ok.

This is the final product of this team. A pixelated Pumpkin. I think it won most complex and modern or something like that. It really was clever and well done.

This is our final product. It was a vampire-ish pumpkin. It won most scary and most creative nose/eyes combo.

This team won most original. I wish I had gotten a picture of the back. They had this awesome clown face they were going to carve, but I think by the time the got the majority of it done, there wasn't enough pumpkin to hold it together. so there was a giant hole in it where Garrett is putting his face. Also, none of them wanted to pose for a picture. I think Anthony even ran away and hid behind the garage. =P

We didn't have a before picture on this team, but this is the after product. They won the most Sentimental I think? something about being unique because it wasn't a face, but rather some leaves and a tree or something. They definitely sat there for a long time at the beginning just looking at the pumpkin and hoping some inspiration would hit them like lightening. They also had a fantastic re-movable stem (I think it broke?) but they got a screw and screwed it back on. genius. (David, my dad Tom and Aly)

In between carving, we would make little trips inside to the food table. There are like four different kinds of dips, three kinds of chip things and some veggies to ease the guilt. We do a LOT of eating. And the men do a lot of talking. It's pretty wonderful.

Ty wandered inside and was intently staring at the ground by Garrett's feet hoping he would drop something. Oh and notice how the back half of her is this awkward gray color? well I gave her a bath yesterday, forgot to spray down the dry dirt in the garden and she went and rolled in it. dumb dog.

These are all the ladies who slaved away in the kitchen to provide us with an AMAZING dinner. Seriously, these ladies know how to cook. And if Lynette is involved, you can't not eat. She sorta just brings it to you and coerces you into eating. doesn't hurt the fact that she has these glorious creations that just delight the palate and dance on the taste-buds. it's awesome. (L-R: Lynette, Lidia, Robin and Mumzy/Jody)

Photo Sesh with Natalie. First I just told her to smile

Then she wanted to see it and excitedly yelled, "SILLY PICTURE TIME!"
so we did a silly picture.

Then she said, "Ok now we need a grumpy picture."

she's so cute.

Overall, it was such a great afternoon/evening. Such a sweet group of people. Those teenage boys and I are such a random group. We got in an argument about WWII that lasted much longer than needed, and everyone was yelling over each other. When Anthony tries to get a point across he calls me woman...and then when I throw my hands up in exasperation he says, "Are you mad? Just a little bit?"
And then David has the most expansive repertoire of short-jokes (it really is impressive) which he inserts into the conversation whenever he can.
Pretty sure both of them just enjoy making fun of me for their own personal entertainment.
Around the dinner table, we laugh and share stories and get deep and bond. Not gonna lie, some of my favorite people represented in these pics.
love you guys.

Quote of the night:
"I have gas, but I'm too lazy to get up and move for you all."
(this will remain anonymous even though he probably doesn't read my blog-but seriously, this made me laugh. i love how we've reached this level of chill)

sugar and spice and all that's nice

2011-10-29T10:39:00.000-07:00

I love child-care...I really do. Mainly because the little darlings are so adorable and say the cutest things. (and the most frustrating things... that end up being cute too!)

Last night, I was babysitting my cousin's two kids. They are 4 and 1 and both super cute. big sister has an expansive vocabulary, and loves talking. little sister toddles around, expressing her opinion in some noise which I'm not even sure I can put a name to. She has gorgeous blue eyes and the cutest smile. Oh...and she enjoys running around naked when given the chance.

big sister wanted me to play Rapunzel with her last night (that is who she's gonna be for Halloween), and she wanted me to be Flynn. I informed her that I had never seen the movie and that I wasn't sure how the story went. She says, "Oh that's ok, I'll tell you about it." She then proceeds to narrate the entire story and what I'm supposed to do as Flynn. Sometimes I'd ad lib and she'd throw her hands up in exasperation, "Suzy...Ah! i mean FLYNN. that's not how it goes! you're supposed to stay sleeping and THEN i hit you with the frying pan!"

whoops.

Finally bed-time came (i put little sister down much earlier, she was tired) and there was only a little bit of resistance. because she was unhappy, she wanted me to change her and brush her teeth...but as soon as I started, she insisted on doing it herself, because she is a big girl.

laying in bed, everything had to be just so: two clyde-frogs, orange blanket spread perfectly smooth, all the toy-story friends and a cup of cold water on the night stand. Then she told me about the cousins.
"We have family dinners on thursday...oooh yummmm so yummy. and i get to see Sasha and Fischer!" (she snuggles into my arm and smiles up at me)
"Fischer is just so cute! he's like this big" (she puts her hands about 6 inches apart)
"And then there's Sasha, she's my cousin, i love her. she's like this big." (hands at about a foot distance apart)
"and me...I'm this big!" (spreads her arms wide.)
"I'm the biggest because I'm four, and Sasha is only three. That makes me the biggest girl."

But she wouldn't stop talking, so I thought that leaving the room might help.

A few minutes later I hear the little footsteps,
"Suz, i need you to help me, my blanket got messed up."
we fix the blanket.

few minutes later...footsteps again.
J: "Suz, we forgot something really REALLY important."
Me: "J, you cannot get out of bed any more...it's time to sleep. what important thing did you forget..."
J: "Um...prayers! we can't forget our prayers before bed.
Me: (feeling a little sheepish that I didn't remember that) "You're right. ok lets say prayers, hop back up in bed."
J: "No...we kneel for prayers."

After prayers:
Me: "Ok J, kisses and hugs. i love you...and i love babysitting you!"
J: "I love you babysitting me too! and i love you. goodnight suz!"

So sweet. I realized that while being a parent can be challenging (especially when dealing with an opinionated, articulate 4-year-old)...but this girl has got the sweetest heart. It has got to be rewarding too.

Thanks Bec and John for letting me enjoy your girls. They have been raised well...and are truly sweet little girls. love you all!

for such a time as this.

2011-10-26T21:35:00.000-07:00

I used to think of myself as a non-complaining type of person. I mean, my life is basically great. There is no legitimate reason I should complain about anything. But then at work, I realized that I vocalized a lot of complainings about annoyances. And one night I apologized to a co-worker and said, "You know, I'm so sorry...I'm being super complain-y, huh." To which he replied, "actually...you complain a lot."

we were brutally honest friends...

Ok, so I complain. Mainly about a certain point in life I'm at at any given time. Like right now. this awful, uncertain, never-ending (or so it seems) time of transition I'm in. I find myself complaining a lot (mainly to myself as I lay in bed, because i don't have a life. haha just kidding). But I wonder what I'm doing here, and why am I not somewhere else where I could be more useful.

Then tonight, I read Esther.

Man, that girl was a super-star. But she did have a pretty sticky situation.
In short, she was a young virgin in a foreign land that wasn't too welcoming to her people. she ended up becoming part of a competition the king set up to find a new queen (the last one was kicked out because she refused to be paraded in front of a drunk king and his drunk princes-being smart has its drawbacks). this king was volatile, powerful, obnoxious, inappropriate, and border-line bi-polar. But he liked Esther. Because she was beautiful and sweet and bold and overall amazing. Her relative, Mordecai initiated this whole thing up, because he was going to utilize her position to help save her people from destruction.

Basically, he says, "If you keep quiet at a time like this, deliverance and relief for the Jews will arise from some other place, but you and your relatives will die. Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?” (esther 4:14)

And she takes this situation seriously, does some crazy bold things and ends up saving her people. (you really should go read it...fantastic story)

That phrase though, echoes through my head...

...for such a time as this.

Maybe God knows what he's doing.
Maybe this is exactly where I'm supposed to be.
Maybe there is a reason I'm here.
Maybe I'll be able to see that reason, maybe not.

But what I do know, is that where I'm at in life is never a mistake. I want to be bold, and intentional in each season of my life, no matter where I'm placed. Even if it looks dim and never-ending and as if I have no real purpose.

Because God will get his work done, with or without me. That much is clear by his MO. but why not be open and willing to be used by him in this place and time where he has put me. I doubt I'll be saving any nations from destruction...but hey, I'll settle for encouraging a stranger on a bus or loving on a kid I'm babysitting.

look at your own life. wonder why you're here? does what is ahead of you seem daunting or cause feelings of fear to grip you? do you feel unworthy or unusable? do you wonder if God even knows you exist?

...for such a time as this, you are here. take courage. press onward. whether it seems big or small in your eyes, rest assured that in God's economy, things work a little different. the "smallest" thing may be the final detail that works into a plan much larger than we could ever imagine. We won't understand it til Glory (and even then, we probably won't care).

So take heart. there's a reason you are where you are, and are doing what you're doing. seek God in all that you do, and he'll direct your path to figuring out what it is.

Out of the mouth of... kelly

2011-10-23T14:33:00.001-07:00

Kelly is a little 4-year-0ld girl at our church. She is bilingual. she has a very large vocabulary, but it is a mixture of words she knows only in Spanish, and some only in English. And sometimes, grammar is lost in translation. Her mom asked me to speak to her mainly in English, since she hears mainly spanish at home.

Today at church:

"SUSY! Nally (natalie) just say 'Puke!' Que es puke? i dunno what is puke!"
She looked so distressed, because 3-year-old Natalie was giggling like she had said something naughty. I was slightly unsure how to describe puke and throwing up (and had forgotten the word in spanish), and didn't really feel like having the conversation anyway. So I called Natalie over and said, "Kelly and Natalie, Puke is yucky."
Natalie kept smirking, but Kelly got a serious look on her face and shook her head and solemnly said, "puke is yucky? we don't say yucky things!"
To which I replied, "That's right...let's not talk about yucky things right now, ok Natalie? We're only going to talk about nice things."
Kelly nods her head and says seriously, "Yeah...nice things...like hmm...Butterflies!"
I held back a smile and said, "Yes...butterflies are a very nice thing to talk about."

A few minutes later I feel her tugging at my skirt again and looking at me with a slightly confused face, "Susy, Nally wanna play chase. What is chase?" (Natalie is standing a few feet away, with that "I'm gonna run, come catch me" look on her face)
I told her, "Chase is where you run after her...but you can only play chase outside, ok?"
Kelly confirms, "Outside? running? ok!"

Oh this girl is cute. her smile is contagious. She is a bright spot in my Sunday!

Memoirs of a Psuedo-Mom: Day 3

2011-10-22T10:43:00.000-07:00

My apologies for not posting last night...
Yesterday was my last day as a Pseudo-Mom. It was actually quite a nice day. Once again woke up in darkness and readied myself in quick time. On Friday's my aunt watches the 5-month-old of a couple from church. So her daddy dropped her off around 7:00 am. Turns out, this baby is pretty amazing. All the boys gather around her for their morning Evie smile...and boy does she give them out.

Lunches get made (although most of the boys were buying lunch at school, so it lessened the work). Oh, and fyi, Nathan (the youngest) likes his hair blow-dried every morning... Pretty sure I spent more time on his hair than I did my own =) I ended up driving all the kids to school and doing drop offs. (this means I drive my aunt's 12 passenger van...makes me feel like REAL mom).

post-drop-offs, me and Evie go home and I sit her on the Kitchen island in her little bouncer while I do work. She just sits there, and coos, and smiles, and plays with her little stuffed bunny. Seriously, the easiest babysitting job one could ask for. During that time I baked yummy caramel rolls to drop off at Mary's house. Mary is a hairdresser who has been selling stuff for Janelle to her clients. They looked so yummy when they were done that I took one and ate it. shhh don't tell. =)

After making the drop-off at Mary's, me and Evie went home. after a feeding and a clean diaper I laid her down for a nap and then just hung out. It was a super relaxing day. When Evie woke up, I fed her again and changed her diaper and we sat around laughing and chilling. for about 10 minutes.
Then it happened. (I apologize for the lack of pictures. it was graphic)
I think I heard it before I smelled it. or maybe the other way around...it all blurs together now. But that girl made some noise...and some stank. Bless her little heart...she's just so cute! but when she leaked through onto my jeans and sweatshirt...well...she was still really cute. I'm telling you, I have NEVER (and I think I can say that confidently) smelled anything that rank. so incredibly potent.
But little Evie just laid there and smiled and cooed and kicked her pudgy-poop-smeared legs. (it was everywhere...up her back...ugh)

Pretty sure I was using that mommy sing-song voice saying things like, "Oooh this is just sooo gross Evie. whaaat have you done!? i have NEVER seen anything soooo yucky! oooh you're just so cute and dirty! oooh."

she was so happy though. really can't hold it against her. Good solid (or not so solid) mommy experience! I feel fully prepared. or maybe not.

Her Mimi (Grandma Sandy) came to pick her up at around 1 in the afternoon. After picking up the boys from school, We just hung around, played computer, watched a movie and snacked.

When my uncle got home, I packed my bags, gave hugs all around and left. Overall it was a fantastic experience. (aside from getting in a car accident). Even the baby poop didn't scare me from motherhood. BRING. IT. ON.

well...maybe not too soon ;)

Post-mama-life found me attending the homecoming game at my old high school, so I could see all my old class-mates and teachers. It made me miss some of the amazing people I met there...
I got to hang out with my little brother, and found out he was quite popular at high school...we were stopped every five seconds by someone.
"Hey Joe! How ya doin' man!?"
"Joooe oh my goodness i miss you so much!"
"Dude! how's college...it's not the same without you here."
"Heyyy, bring it in...show some love."

seriously...he never told us.

A late-night In-'N-Out run topped off a great week and a great night. I'm seriously gonna miss this place and these people. a lot.

Thanks all, for joining me on my pseudo-mom adventure! =)

Memoirs of a Psuedo-Mom: Day 2

2011-10-20T18:47:00.001-07:00

Well, I can happily report that today's events were not near as taxing as yesterday's. In fact, it was quite a pleasant day. This morning, I woke up at 6...and let me tell you that I do not normally fully appreciate waking up while it is still dark out. But I did it anyway. By 7:15 I had showered, dressed, gotten myself some hot tea and assisted (ish) in the making of lunches and breakfast. Actually these boys are pretty self-sufficient and their dad helped a lot too.

As my Uncle Dave walked out the door for work, in walk two boys. Every thursday, my aunt drives them to school...and they show up a good fifteen minutes before we have to leave. and those fifteen minutes are...hmmm how shall we put it...loud? understatement. annoying? that's more like it. chaotic? most definitely.

Allow me to introduce you to them...

On the left is Bear, then his brother Blaine, then Nathan.

Yes. his real name is Bear. They are bilingual, but i'm convinced they don't hear or understand anything I say...English or Spanish. Whew. They walk in the door, kick off their shoes, beeline it to the foam swords and commence with yelling, fighting, stabbing and running through the house. Just gotta sorta tune them out. Cute kids, though.

So we pack into the truck and head off to school. From the back seat I hear,
"Let's play Rock, Paper, Scissors!"
"Ok!"
They start playing and then i hear,
"Rock, Paper, GOD!!!! I WIN!"
"Awww. OK ok ok. my turn! Rock, Paper, HOLY SPIRIT!!!! I WIN MORE!"
"Nuh-UH! God and Holy Spirit and Jesus are the same thing and equal!"
"Ok fine. Rock, Paper, TRINITY!!! I BEAT YOU ALLL!"

oh children. interesting application of God-power.

Then after school, I pick up Caleb, Nathan and Caleb's friend Dylan. we run some errands...had a cashier ask if they were my children. they ran around Trader Joes looking for Coconut Joe. Cuz if you find him apparently you get a prize? Then I wisely bought them lots of sugary treats (which in turn bought me lots of kudos and awesome-cousin-suzy points).
These boys have discovered my distaste with spiders (that is putting it mildly...even fake spiders creep me out). The little angels delight in tickling the back of my neck while I'm driving, throwing a beanie-baby spider on me or in front of me and even rigging a flying spider by taping it to a balloon and doing the whole blow-up-then-let-it-fly-in-my-face thing. I informed them that if they throw the stuffed spider at me while I'm driving, it is going right out the window...no regrets at all on my part. I am determined to find every fake spider in this house (you'd be surprised how many there are) and hide them.

Returning home meant homework, dinner prep and catching up with the cousins.
Nathan randomly asks me, "What is liver plus liver?"
To which I respond, "Um I have no idea.."
"Suzy JUST GUESS!"
"Ok...Double Liver."
"Ugh. No...you don't understand this at all... it's 22!"

Oh. right. my bad.
I guess it's a How To Train Your Dragon reference?

Anyway, all that to say, it was a fabulous day. I got lots of rest, relaxation and nothing went wrong! Day 2 was a smashing success! (gonna be honest though...still can't wait for bed.)

oh...and today, Dylan (who I'm not sure is from a Christian family) told me he prayed for me yesterday when he went with the boys to AWANAs take-a-friend night. so cute. and Caleb tonight at bedtime prayed that all the kids at school could be good and stop swearing. Oh God please care for their sweet hearts.

Memoirs of a Psuedo-Mom: Day 1

2011-10-19T22:42:00.000-07:00

I just want to preface day 1 by saying that I am utterly exhausted. and when you hear about my day...you'll understand why. And I am only staying up extra minutes tonight to write this post because I promised you all...and I'm sticking to my promise. But as soon as I am done, I will go to sleep post-haste, because tomorrow I must rise at TOO early an hour. Anyway. On to the day.

Pre-11:38 am
had a leisurely morning at home...got ready for the day, watched part of a movie, packed my bags and departed for Simi Valley. Listened to great music, and arrived...fully rested and ready to work.

11:40-2:17
Me and Aunt Nell bake. and bake. and bake some more. and make dough. and make caramel. and grind nuts. and bake. and cool. and freeze stuff. and bake some more. (i now have her recipes for bread and caramel rolls memorized.) It was fun though. I like working hard, in a rhythm. All the while, we're discussing what will happen when she is gone and I play mom (schedules, meals, homework etc...)

Then post-baking (which really never stops all day, by the way), we pick up the younger boys from school and the older ones slowly trickle in.

Allow me to interject some helpful information here. I shall do a brief bio on each of the boys I am going to be "mothering" the rest of the week. Many of my readers may know these boys...but this is for those of you who don't.

This is Justin. He is 16 years old and a truly gifted musician. He received the honor to go salute the Queen of England in the New Years Day Parade in London because of his superior skills as a marching band drum major. (the reason for all the baking is to fund-raise for this trip). Justin is responsible, kind and has a true heart after God. great kid.

Seth is 14. He has the fantastic red hair and a great sense of humor to accompany it. He always shows interest in my life and my job and will listen to any story i tell him. He also plays in marching band (a mellophone?) Anyway...he's funny, sweet, mischievous and also loves God sincerely.

Jacob is one sweet 12-year-old boy. This kid is the most forth-coming with hugs of almost any boy his age i've met to date. Always has a smile, a joke, a random fact about something and is just overall a brilliant kid. He's tall, lanky and has got a killer smile (which will kill more post-braces!)

The kid i'm related to is on the right. Caleb is 10 years old. I had to put Dylan in the picture too. Those boys are best buddies. and many afternoons will find them around the kitchen table together doing homework. Caleb is such a monkey. He loves to play and is very opinionated and stubborn when it comes to arguing a point (even if he's wrong). I had him in Sunday school for several years and while it takes him a while to open up, he's got a sweet heart.

Oh this child. Nathan is 7 years old...the baby in the family. And somewhere along the line, too many someones fawned over him and now he KNOWS he's adorable. (notice the great chocolate smudge on his cheek). He loves to tag along with his older brothers, loves one-on-one time with me and is at that stage where he's not sure if it's cool to be cuddled and hugged anymore. he's just so cute!

So now that you see the boys...you can picture our days a little more. I help Nathan with homework...and keep on Caleb to get his done. Today also included driving three of the boys to various music lessons and picking them up again. Also the two oldest boys were getting ready for a band recital at their high school. Aunt Nell still hadn't packed for her trip (never got it done until 15 minutes before leaving the house for the airport)...she was making dinner (round 1 of the chicken burned up on a moody grill. literally...fire and smoke. Thank goodness for El Pollo Loco)...she was STILL baking (had to take stuff to the recital to sell)...so i ran around and did all the chauffeuring.

and then it happened.
I was sitting at a green light with Jacob (just getting back from guitar lessons) waiting to make a left hand turn. and I was telling him how i once sat behind a lady who was so cautious that she sat through three light cycles because she wouldn't turn left on a yellow and the traffic never cleared on a green. and as we were laughing about that...there came a clear spot to turn left. part way through the turn I see a little car speeding toward us...clearly not slowing down. I honk...and the rest happened in slow motion. he clipped the back of Simon's bumper and spun us 180.
we yelled.
and pulled over.
i was shaking.
and speechless.
Jacob kept exclaiming, "Woah, dude...wow what just happened. oh my goodness. wow." and as we got out of the car, i said, "i have no idea what to do. and just to let you know I'm going to start crying."

which i did. The lady who lived on the corner came out and gave me a great big hug and comforted us and started talking us through the whole thing, being the mom and general voice of responsibility, since my brain was jostled a bit. She really was an angel...totally just what I needed in that moment.
Police, firetrucks, ambulance and other random people came. In fact, a cop who was in line behind me at El Pollo Loco just a little bit ago was there...eating his chicken...and we recognized and had a moment. They were all very kind. It wasn't my fault and after exchanging info, they let me go. The cop taking my statement said, "You really should start driving safely."
to which I responded,
"Working on it...it really is a work in progress"
I was glad we could joke to ease the tension of the event

YAY PICTURES (for those of you with a morbid curiosity...it's ok. I know how you are)

This is poor Simon. I know you may not think it's bad...but it really was painful to see. Ugh. I can't explain it...but it was just so sad! ha. you think he's a little banged up...you should see the other guy.

Turns out...Simon won. I'm so proud of him. and sorta sad for this guy. he and his friend were in their early twenties... and were driving waaay too fast. (another witness confirmed it). His whole front bumper came off and was laying in the street too.

We had spectators and helpful people who gave hugs and told what they saw. Overall, God had his hand protecting us. I was pretty shaken up...but couldn't stop to catch my breath. Had to run home and eat and then take off for a full night at the recital listening to the boys perform and selling our baked goods. *sigh*

Needless to say, this will take some more processing. and my shoulders and neck are beginning to feel the aftermath as well. Honestly I feel like just laying down and crying and sleeping. oh and a good back massage. And if anyone is nice to me and gives me hugs, I about want to burst out in tears.

As you can see...it was an eventful day. I'm exhausted.
oh and if you want to, join me in sending a little prayer of thanks up to God for his protection ALL the time...even when we don't see it. car accidents always remind me of how many times I'm not in one when i very well could have or SHOULD have been. And also since Jake was with me...I'm grateful he wasn't hurt either. He even got BACK in the car with me later this evening to drive somewhere. bold kid.

Anywho. Day 2 will hopefully be not nearly as eventful. Sorry for the long post. Thanks for reading =)

Announcement.

2011-10-18T23:40:00.001-07:00

I know that sort of title generally conjures up thoughts of significant moves across the country, babies, engagements and retirements. But none of those things apply to me. (well, I'm moving, but you already knew that)
So let your breath out. it's not that exciting. Well it is...because literary work is ALWAYS exciting. just not moving/babies/engagement/retirement exciting.

anyway.

I have learned that if I am not inspired to write, I really shouldn't just make stuff up as I go along. Because then I end up with "train of thought in words" type posts. ugh. just embarrassing.

so, the week-long dry spell is up. and it is about to get busy up in here.

First, I would like to share with you a bit of information that delights me. you should know that when I open my fridge (or rather, mumzy's fridge), I am met with a tantalizing array of goodness that makes my taste-buds dance and my heart feel warm fuzzies.

1. hummus. both original and some sort of jalapeno-cilantro something-or-other. but seriously, it is one of my favorite snacks...or meal options. which I pair with my next favorite fridge inhabitant.

2. cucumbers. Call me crazy, but I loooove cucumbers. Mainly only the small japanese ones sold at the little Armenian produce store up the street from my house. (I'm sure they're sold elsewhere...like japan...but i like supporting local stores and tend to be loyal, biased and proud of it.)

3. 100% peach juice from trader joes. I cannot explain to you my love for juice. my mumzy knows to keep some on hand for me pretty much all the time. it really does bless me. and this succulent peach juice is no exception. mmm. like drinking...a peach. delightful.

4. A1. Also one of those things my mom keeps pretty much just for me. I am an A1 addict. pretty sure it goes with almost everything. (well...almost anything). I just love the tangy delicious flavor. I offered it to one customer once when he got his steak and he said, "By offering me A1 sauce, you're saying your steaks are not good just by themselves. a good steak doesn't need A1." And i thought to myself, "friend...EVERYTHING is better with A1." So don't tell the meat experts, but even with a succulent steak i really enjoy a slight dab of A1.

5. dill pickles. told you i loved cucumbers. (sadly, our fridge is out of these right now...) My favorite is the Claussen brand. They are not cooked like most pickles but are made fresh and kept refrigerated. Oh my goodness. fresh, crunchy, salty, flavorful. SO GOOD. mmmmyumm.

now that my mouth is watering...I'm going to move on to the next part of this blog.

Readers Pay Attention: Mini Blog series coming up starting TOMORROW (10/19)
title: Memoirs of a Psuedo Soccer-Mom.
genre: narrative/comedy/drama (really does depend on what happens)
reason: I'm going to be staying at my aunt and uncle's house while my aunt goes out of town. While my uncle wins the bread, I will be playing mom to their five boys (FIVE=5. one whole hand of fingers) ages 7-16. They are good kids...but have BUSY lives. Actually if I'm being fair, it should be titled, "Memoirs of a Psuedo Marching-Band-Mom" because that is what she is. She is one of my heroes for how she manages this family. But enough of that now. I'll go into more detail later.

Please feel free to come back and read about my adventures. Oh...and shoot a prayer up too maybe? Mainly that i can get up at an early hour (!) and keep things organized throughout the day. It has potential to be stressful...but I'm really excited about it!

Wow that font is big. but i'm not sure how to change it back to little. I keep trying and it WON'T WORK! oh well.

two-posts-in-one

2011-10-12T21:53:00.001-07:00

I have two things to write about. One is story-like in nature, the other is awesome-God-discovery in nature.

1. Tonight during Bible study, I was struck by a thought that i KNOW i've had before, but got amazingly reminded of again.
You know those times when you are going along the merry way of life and something comes out of left field and just socks you in the gut? Like you get a phone call that someone passed away suddenly. or you find out the girl you were SUPPOSED to marry just got engaged to someone else. or you get the e-mail saying that you didn't get the job you made it to the third interview for. or...well you name it. We've all had those unexpected moments.

and sometimes we even "prepare for the worst" making it the most ridiculous situation thinking that if that is our lowest rung of worst-standard that every other option would be better...only to find out that it IS that blown-out-of-proportion worst.

So where is God in all this? Did life throw him a curve-ball too? Were his plans messed up because someone decided to spend the rest of their life with the wrong person? I mean, it's not his fault people are stupid. But then the awesome little rays of truth shine through the cloud-cover of confusion and questions.

God is not surprised by this. He is not caught off guard. AH! that is so incredible. Just read it again and let it sink in. He isn't up there scrambling for a Plan B that will somehow fit to be a passable second-best option for your life. He knows EVERYTHING. our tiny little pea-brains can't even begin to comprehend this. But we just gotta trust that it's true. He's the safety net beneath us when our little unicycle falls off the high wire. and even when we're confused and lost and questioning and our hearts are broken in tiny pieces...he has got it all and knows exactly what to do with it.

Doesn't that sound like someone you want to trust? I mean, when I was a kid and something went wrong, I ran to my Dad or Mom first. Cuz in my little mind, they had all the answers and could fix anything. Slowly that myth was dispelled, but in it's place they taught me that someone else can do an even better job. And here I am, years later still discovering the awesomeness of that promise. God is so good.

*sigh*

On to part two. (with pictures!)
It was a gorgeous Friday afternoon in Newport beach. I went biking with my parentals down on the boardwalk that divides fantastic beach houses from the stretch of sand and ultimately a beautiful ocean. I cannot explain how happy my heart was. And what a beautiful California/coastal day can do for me. I think I shall one day find myself a beach house.

These are my cute parents holding hands and biking.
SEE HOW BEAUTIFUL THE DAY IS!?

We biked out to this marvelous little bay that had this little stone peninsula with a sand slope named "the Wedge." From whence these amazing waves come and surfers do their thing. So fun to watch. And just about this time, the sun was going down.

which made for some great silhouette shots. (by the way, silhouette is a very challenging word to spell correctly the first time)

Somewhere on the trip to the wedge, however...tragedy struck. unbeknown to any of us, my ID slipped out of my back pocket and got lost along the way. So here I am...going along, taking pictures and NOT knowing what had befallen us.

beautiful sunset.

Listening to marvelous music. while biking. while taking a picture of myself.
multitalentation if i ever saw it.

I too am patriotic when inspired as such.

Very shortly after this point, I got off my bike and realized my pocket felt suspiciously empty. And there discovered the missing license. At that juncture (that is a Eugene word...go Odyssey!), my parents and I split ways and retraced EVERY step...er...wheel-turn? (even the bathroom/stall that we stopped at...we were very thorough)

When I made it back to the starting point, I began to feel sad. I had recently dealt with some license issues and was not ready to have another set so soon! Maybe God is trying to tell me that I really shouldn't be driving.
Then my mom called me and said,

"Suzy you'll never guess! We're riding along and Dad sees a light reflection off of something on the ground. and it was a LICENSE! face down. So we were so excited! we pick it up and it belongs to Gina-something-or-other! WHAT? Who loses a license? maybe she has yours!"

SO CLOSE. but at least i wasn't the only one missing an ID. So i took Gina-something-or-other's license home and mailed it to her with a little note telling her of my false-alarm in thinking her license was mine. it was cute.

Anyway, I sat there and prayed and pondered and such and then this thing of beauty happened to me.

so gorgeous and majestic, this sky. mmmm. and calming too.

Anyway, I decided to wait until thursday to go to the DMV...Just in case it sprouted legs and walked to pasadena.

and today, my mom sends me a text about a mysterious UPS express package. since mail always excites me, I had her open it right then and there. IT WAS MY LICENSE! no note. just popped in the mail!

THANK you God. it was honestly an unexpected blessing. I was fully prepared to go to the DMV and shell out the money for new one.

from now on, I shall hold tight to that thing. and renew it on time. and probably sleep with it under my pillow so no harm can come to it.

journey.

2011-10-06T22:56:00.000-07:00

we are a culture that is looking for approval everywhere we go. (and yes, i am a part of this too!) We make blanket statements about things as if they are fact. And whoever sees differently than us is just messed up, or has no sense of music or style or food or isn't a true Christian even.

and then people try to be different and against the norms. and they end up banding together in being different. because no one can stand alone. it is all about looking around and making yourself feel better because you're not the only one. being the only one who holds one opinion is lonely.

but this is just for the trivial things, right?

wrong.

because we don't stop with opinions on music or actors or food.
we do this with people's lives, standards, character, beliefs etc...

"Tattoos are wrong no matter who you are."
or
"Well if I don't believe dancing is right, then it isn't right for anyone."
or
"Anyone who attends that event isn't a Christian."
or
"She isn't raising her children right."

And in these cases, it isn't about standing alone or being right, it is about understanding the journey and being a journeyer.

Maybe the tattoo came from a Jewish Prison camp during WWII.
Maybe dance is a form of worship and art for someone.
Maybe the person attending that questionable event is struggling to find their identity in Christ and being there will cause them to re-evaluate.
Maybe she was beaten and abused and has no way of knowing how to raise children right.

who knows?

anybody who has spent any amount of time having a relatively deep conversation with me knows one of the principles I stand by is this:

Everyone is on a journey. No two journeys look the same. Since only you and God know exactly where you're at in your journey, I cannot possibly judge you for not being at the same place I am at.

but we do it. notice I said "we." I'm guilty of this too. But I am trying to work on it regularly, because I do not want to be that person.

when i am focused on someone else's life and try to make it fit into the mold that has been created for my life, i find so many things wrong with it. and I spend my time trying to find people who affirm that where I'm at in my journey is the "right place to be"

example:
As many of you know, (and the rest of you will soon find out)
Growing up I never went to movie theaters, because my parents thought there were better uses of our time and money. As I got older, I got to the point where I could make that decision for myself. I still chose not to go. This was due to a little thing between me and God. My friends were baffled by it. Not only baffled, though, but downright upset that I wouldn't go. They kept trying to ask me if I thought going to the movies was evil or if i looked down on them for going. I had one person ask the reason and when I said, "because God told me not to." he said, "But...God wouldn't ask you to do something like that."
right. cuz you have a party line going on me and God's conversations.

For a long time i resented it. I thought everyone should avoid movie theaters because I was. Then God was like, Suzy movies aren't sinful. You aren't wrong for not going, they aren't necessarily wrong for going. I called you to this because of things I want to teach you. Stop trying to make them walk a journey i custom made for YOU.

so now I still do not frequent movie theaters. But i also do not look down on those who go. I do not expect them to have the same convictions I do. Because God has THEM on a custom-made journey that might not exclude movies...but something else instead.

I guess all of this was to say, we (in general) tend to feel like holding a belief or standard for our self before God isn't good enough. Everyone else has to believe it or live like it too.
I'm not saying there aren't black and white truths (foundational Biblical truths are unwavering and cannot be compromised on). I am saying that we fill in the blanks in the Bible with what WE think is the proper way to live and expect everyone to be not only on the same page, but on the same exact letter as us.

Too bad God had way too much creativity and love to give us personalities and free will. That combination will make for no two journeys to look the same. And only he knows my heart and your heart and the intentions, brokenness, experiences, hopes, dreams and failures that heart has been through. I cannot possibly begin to judge something so intricate, delicate and beyond my scope.

When I'm looking at you picking flowers on your life-journey while I'm trudging through a little mud, I become ungrateful and complain and question God why you just get things handed to you. But if my eyes are fixed on Him, I'll get the tools I need to help me through the mud and into my own flower field beyond it. Because little do I know that you had just been through quicksand and almost died and you deserve those flowers.

so my goal is to focus on my own journey. because there are enough complexities with my own that I have no real time or energy (not to mention business) nit-picking others'.

the thoughts above are assuming we all at least strive to be true journeyers.

allow me to give you my definition of a journeyer or one who journey's (forgive my pronoun-antecedent agreement issues):
A journeyer does not get stuck in a rut of a mundane life. they live everything intentionally and purposefully. they look at their faults and weaknesses and seek God and the Holy Spirit as means to change, grow and mature. they are willing to talk and be open, and more importantly, to listen. Not only to God, but to their accountability partner, mentor, pastor, spouse... A journeyer isn't one who doesn't have issues. In fact, the exact opposite. they own up to their issues. and make a commitment to change them and learn from them. they do not judge others for being at a different place emotionally, spiritually, physically or mentally.
This is a journeyer.

H8R

2011-10-04T12:26:00.000-07:00

There is this new reality show being advertised everywhere, it is called "H8R." From what I gather, it is a show where real people in Los Angeles have utter disdain and hatred for a certain celebrity (it changes every week). It is taped and shown to the celebrity who then faces their unsuspecting hater and spends the day with them trying to change their opinion. The clips they show of what the haters say actually caused me to do a mental double take. they were spiteful, condescending, ignorant and just plain rude. It was snap judgments based on what they saw in tabloids or saw on the news. The host comes on the trailer later and says that people will speak bad about a person when it is online, or a youtube video or in print, but when it comes to facing the person it can be more challenging.

i agree.

and it got me thinking.

Being born separated from God and with a propensity to sin, we are selfish, jealous, envious, manipulative, ungrateful people. Don't say that hasn't described you at one point. I know I have most definitely had those moments where I wish I looked different, or had a different job, or was jealous of a friend's relationship or any number of things. I deal with my insecurities by lashing out (normally not verbally, but inside me) at other people and I highlight their weaknesses
(which just happen to be the same as mine).

How can I do this so adeptly? Well when you live with a weakness for long enough (some of mine span most of my 22 years), you tend to get to know it pretty well. And you can spot it a mile away. And what you disdain about it in your own life transfers into disdain for where you see it in others' lives too.

One commentary on the show (yes, I do my research before writing the blog ;) said it is about "misdirected animosity." (do i need an in-text citation for this? or an annotated bibliography? eh...nah, i wrote enough of those in school. it wasn't my phrase, that's all you need to know!)

anyway, back on topic. misdirected animosity. such a fascinating concept. I remember meeting someone years ago who seemed bitter about life. nothing made her happy, she complained constantly, people were always rude to her (or so she claimed), and she always got the short end of the stick (or so she claimed). Her jokes and teasing weren't funny because they were obviously being directed and influenced by something going on in her life. (through my time knowing her i found out what they were and it made sense)

It made me sad because it betrayed the hurt and brokenness of her heart and the self-disdain she possessed. It is challenging to spend time with someone like that who insists on putting all of these negative things on you (especially when you are of an age where you're still trying to figure out your own insecurities.) But I decided to invest in this girl, press on even though she was determined not to be happy with anyone or anything. It was a challenge, but it didn't bring me down.

Only God knows the results of those encounters I had with her, but for me personally it was a huge lesson. because most of the time I can keep it all inside of me...and no one would ever know that I do the same exact thing. but eventually something will slip out and will be spiteful, and rude and betray the toxic yuck that is beginning to eat away at me inside.
(that sounds harsh and intense and i'm sure you're thinking it doesn't have to be that bad. but it does. because it is a problem that is worse than you or I realize. and while we might be saved and followers of Christ, we are not exempt from the potential effects. Satan will use whatever he can.)

whenever I feel disdain for someone, I am learning to immediately look inside me and see where it is coming from. If I'm open for listening, the Holy Spirit prompts me and says, "Suzy...you're annoyed and frustrated with that girl because she has an amazing boyfriend and a steady job and all her life seems to be falling into place. But you don't hate her. in fact, you love her. it is in those areas of your life that you create "deficiency" and then take it out on her. Your life isn't deficient because you don't have an amazing boyfriend or a steady job. your life is full because you have Me and all the amazing things i've given you."

or when I see someone who keeps making the same mistake over again and it is obviously messing with their life and WHY WON'T THEY JUST GET IT! He gently whispers to me again,

"Oh sweet girl...we just went through this. you feel frustrated with yourself because YOU don't always learn your lesson the first time. or the second time. and you wish you'd just get it. But I have grace for you. Because I know that your heart is to change and grow. And you have no idea if that person has a heart to change and grow and has just succumbed to a weakness like you have time after time. But i love them and have grace for them too. So YOU have grace...for yourself first and then for them."

So I guess this is just encouragement for myself as much as for you. Because I still struggle with this whole "misplaced animosity" thing. And it is wrong. dead wrong. If God, the Almighty creator and King of the Universe, majestic and perfect, can have grace for these people (AND me) then I should at least make an effort.
So much of my time and energy has been wasted on being annoyed with or disdaining people. And it is a very tell-tale sign of the condition of my heart. So I can claim to be the most devout follower of Christ, but my words about others will determine that.

"The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good. and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart."
(luke 6:45)

things that make my heart happy.

2011-10-01T23:54:00.000-07:00

self explanatory:

the slightest hints of fall sneaking through the sweltering heat of summer.

a comforting hug.

any kind of hug.

little girls who want to play puppies and toy story.

cousins willing to help you out in a time of need.

riding in a convertible with the top down and music up.

heart-to-hearts with good friends.

delightful morsels of food that bring my taste palate alive.

bad kids that i can impact and help.

memories of amazing good times.

realizing (again) how wonderful God is and how patient and sovereign he is.

hand written notes.

unexpected text messages.

clear days and bold mountains.

public transportation.

sunset with a rainbow through it.

thunderstorms when it is almost 90 out.

in case i haven't made it perfectly clear, i live in a pretty fantastic place. no really. i do.
is it strange that i go places and do things and end up finding these perfect date ideas? seriously, if you ever need a date-guide for LA, let me know, because I've been coming up with the greatest repertoire and have pretty much no use for them (there's only so many kinds of date-nights one can go on with her brother or cousin)
i should probably write a little brochure.

that was totally random. my bad.

but...
that is what you get when you mix 12:09 am with my brain.

wait a minute. news flash. it's october already. In fact, i had already posted this blog and now i'm going back and editing it because i need to mention that SEPTEMBER IS DONE.
how is time flying SO fast? seems like just yesterday...

...well too much stuff seems like just yesterday.

i suppose i shall learn to not take these days for granted. my time here is short and i don't want to miss it or let it fly by. cuz before you (or i) know it...i'll be exiled to the siberia of North America for a legitimately interesting adventure. between now and then, i could use suggestions on wardrobe modifications from those who have lived and survived sub-zero temperatures.

until i have something more inspiring or humorous to write...i'm signing off. i just feel bad going too many days without an update =P

I AM

2011-09-29T19:40:00.000-07:00

"When you live in the past,
with its mistakes and regrets,
it is hard.
I am not there.
My name is not - I WAS.

When you live in the future,
with its problems and fears,
it is hard.
I am not there.
My name is not - I WILL BE.

When you live in this moment,
It is not hard.
I am here.
My name is I AM."

Helen Mallicoat
[Thanks A. Heidi for the inspiration =) ]

Wow...this got me. again. because I sort of had a meltdown today. The closest thing to a panic attack that I think I've ever experienced. And I have no idea where it came from. All of the sudden all the little unknown pieces about my life came crashing down around me. And I didn't trust the
Great "I AM"

We are doing a Bible Study right now in my church on the book of Ruth. This past week we really focused in on the character of Naomi, Ruth's mother-in-law. When Naomi's husband and two sons died, she said that the Lord's hand was against her and he was dealing bitterly with her. True, God had allowed these things to happen to her. But what she didn't realize is that her present was not unbearable with God as "I AM"

In fact, he had this plan that would have probably blown her mind if she had known it. Not only would she be ok as far as her basic needs being taken care of...but she would also be the orchestrator for the marriage from which the line of Jesus would come. WHAT?! going from a woman who re-named herself the Hebrew word for "bitterness" to match-making the ancestors of Christ. Doesn't sound like God's hand was against her there, does it. But she never could have seen that due to her clouded view in the midst of her heartbreak and trial.

Unlike Naomi, I want to have a good perspective of God. I want to be able to trust that he knows what he's doing. I don't want to ever say, "Wow, I'd die if that happened to me." Because I won't die. My life will not be over. I have a God who I can trust. Who knows the WHOLE story. Whose hand is in all of this mess we call life. Nothing goes unnoticed. Nothing is a mistake. There is no "Plan B." This is pretty encouraging to me, when I feel like I'm overwhelmed and I won't make it through.

the prayer on my heart as I am unsure of how to proceed and feel choked by the overwhelming emotion of the moment is this:

Father, I want to know you... as "I AM." There is no greater, all-encompassing title than that. Thank you for being trustworthy and for holding my present in your fully capable hands. Forgive me for my times of doubting, when I feel suffocated by the hardships of this world or when i'm weighed down by the past or distracted by the future. All of Satan's attacks and the brokenness of his world and ridiculous mind games will never be able to outweigh or overrule the protection and plan that you have in my life. I want to know you here. I want to trust you here. Mold my perspective that I might be able to see more clearly.

(disclaimer: Naomi is an amazing woman of faith, don't get me wrong at all...but there is a valuable lesson to be learned from her journey.)

a picture is worth a thousand words...

2011-09-26T17:20:00.000-07:00

...only when actually accompanied by a thousand words.
[my motto]

I decided to do a picture post. I have all these random life happenings on my phone, and wanted to share them. They aren't on facebook, fyi. And I apologize that some photos have editing and some don't. it's an iPhone thing =P enjoy!

sometimes I go over to jonathan and andrew's man-cave...err...um...condo and we play kinect. it is almost as entertaining to watch as it is to actually play.

so i was sitting in the target plaza waiting for some photos to get done and this fluffy tailed little guy came and sat right next to me on the bench. i wish i had something for him to eat. he was very bold. and i only feared of rabies for like 30 seconds.

these are my girls. we had some great times in college together. i met up with them at Biola not too long ago, because there was this magnificent event called....(cue next photo)

NATIONBALL!!! it is when thousands of Biolans gather in the gym for a friendly game of dodge-ball and they wear colors to represent the dorm they live in. this event is epic, loud, crammed and I'm sure a fire hazard. But it is one of the things I miss about Biola...so I go back. just to watch =)

I have had the privilege of babysitting these two adorable little girls. They are my cousin's kids (Jenna and Anikah) and are such a delight. I was trying to take individual pictures of each girl, but Jenna wasn't too keen on Ani getting a picture without her in it. she would sit a good distance away til I was JUST about to snap the picture and then she'd lean her head in. we have good times.

ACYF is an epic event for Altadena. Lots of kids, food, and high school drama. I go along every year and drive a van full of girls from Huntington Beach to Moorpark and sort of supervise the goings on. I forgot just HOW important every little thing was at that age (like those girls won't let us have the bigger bed even though we're seniors and they're just freshmen. or how all boys are so stupid but we insist on texting them. and then having our friend text them just to get "the other side of the story". how it is perfectly normal to fit three girls in a double bed etc..)

So me and my cousin went on this awesome City Race/Urban hunt thing at Olvera Street in Los Angeles. It was a timed race where we had 30 clues and a certain size area to find the answers in. there were 40-some teams of 2-5 people each. It was crazy and SO much fun! extra credit points included buying/eating a churro and a candy with an insect in it (jon was the gentleman and let me have the churro!)

proof he really did eat it. no seriously, he ate the worm OUT OF the candy in front of the judges to get 6 extra points!! it was amazing.

I have decided that Olvera Street is one of my absolute favorite places in LA. so rich with history (first house AND church ever built in Los Angeles) and yummy food and culture seeping from its very pores. love it.

Change of topic.

Friday was bath day for Miss Tylee. Normally I do it inside, but we had just cleaned the bathrooms and my mom left no option but to use the hose. It was a warm day, and no animals were harmed in this activity. According to my parents she has been "a miserable flea-bag" so this was the post-treatment bath. See how happy she is? (i promise, it isn't torture for her)

Trying to catch a dog on camera mid-shake is quite a feat. But i like this one. because it shows the water off of her and her head is contorting in a rather remarkable way. Ty doesn't mind water, but will shake at every opportunity.

So you know how dog's skin often has darker spots on the pink skin? well Tylee's spots grow brown hair and the pink areas grow white hair. So when she is all clean, she has these beautiful brown under-spots that show through. I love her markings.

The dog-bathing process does not end with just washing the dog. See, she enjoys a good romp in the dry dirt in the back garden in order to warm up and get all the water off of her. So I must wet down the dirt completely so there is no temptation to roll in it. She is a devious lil' thing.

Switching gears: The Fair 2011
Just fyi, the Los Angeles County Fair has been around since 1922 and is huge. and goes on for a month. and attendance tops one million every year. It is larger than our State Fair, and the largest County Fair in the US. (Random piece of trivia: The fairplex land where the fair is held every year was used during WWII to hold the Japanese Americans before they were sent to internment camps. Sad, but interesting i thought)

Anyway, it's a big deal, ok? and I have gone EVERY YEAR for as long as I can remember.

turns out they have this awesome deal on friday that if you bring 5 cans of Ralphs brand food, you get a free ticket! we came prepared.

we took Joey to celebrate his birthday!

good deeds=free admission. so worth it.

my lovely parental units. They are so much fun to go to the fair with!

So in california, kids line up to milk a goat, my 19 year old brother included. Because it is quite the novelty. In fact, the entire barn section is a novelty.

we found this horse. his coloring is...interesting. he was just a happy lil' guy...just hanging around eating his alfalfa.

my family is awesome.

we also go by the hundreds to watch pig races. They're from Iowa. so they're legit. just sayin'.

allow me to introduce the Footsie-Wootsie. Only the best creation of mankind for a place where you are walking all day. (we have sometimes gone at 9 am and stayed until 9 pm. trust me, these are helpful). Best use of $0.25 there could be. seriously. we always make sure we pack quarters for it.

This artist is here year after year. people gather, simply mesmerized by what he does. He uses spray paint and random pieces of paper and round lids and creates these phenomenal works of art. It starts out like he has it on the board right now and ends up like some of the ones on the ground in front. He is sorta spazzy, but a lot of fun. he speaks spanish and I like to banter with him when I've watched him over the years. he is truly talented.

No really...they're good enough to do multiple times a day. And a lot of people don't realize how amazing they are. so we tell them and even lend a quarter if they need it. Just to spread the magic of the Footsie-Wootsie.

He is a pretty awesome lil' brother. we have good times together. actually today is his birthday!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOE!

so there you have it. bits of my life in photos. =)

heartbreak.

2011-09-21T21:57:00.000-07:00

there are tears in my eyes as I write this post.

my heart hurts.

I hadn't thought about what moving would mean.

And then tonight, it hit me....Some would say like a ton of bricks. I describe it more like this heaviness that comes in and settles in my stomach. a crack that begins by my heart until it feels like it will rip apart. a lump in my throat that seems to make breathing difficult.

I was overjoyed on most aspects of moving...until i thought about leaving my beloved church in Altadena. (Now please know that I have nothing against the church I'll be going to in Minneapolis. It's not about them. it's about Altadena)

I love the people here. And that doesn't even really begin to describe it. I feel safe, cared for, nurtured, loved, accepted and needed in my little church family. I have grown up here and known most of these people my whole life. Those who have moved have fit right in. we are family. Some by blood...all by the common bond of Jesus Christ.

Here are a few things that I will miss about Altadena:

-Ann and Aaron (the oldest couple in church) and their hugs, kisses and offerings of candy. "Aren't you just the most precious thing!" is what Ann always says to me.

-My Sunday School kids: Cody, Garrett, Caeleigh, Caidan and Nathan. Wow...I'll miss those kids so much. Their joy, exuberance, questions, intelligence, hugs and smiles.

-My Boys: Anthony, Petter, Justin, Seth, Joey and David. Probably the most eclectic group possible. And yet i love them all so much. We eat, laugh, play, sing, cry, pray, talk, joke and just spend quality time together. I'm gonna miss lunch-hour sessions in the conference room with these guys.

-Sitting next to Lynette during church (she always has my favorite candy in her fantastic stash)

-holding Evie and taking in her new-baby perfection. relishing her innocence and squeezing her chubby little thighs.

-Spanish Bible Studies. I've only led some of these, but I have learned so much from these women, and have gotten to practice my spanish!

-The hearts of our three ministers...their teaching and love for God and our little congregation. (Pretty sure not a sermon goes by without tears...)

-Mikey giving greetings from Vons

-exchanging tie information and getting my weekly nose-bop/hug from Virgil.

-Janelle's famous chicken-salad sandwiches, sticky buns and donunt holes.

-Sunday School Picnics, Christmas Program/Caroling, Bible Studies etc...

-Singing up front with the Sunday School. you haven't heard singing til it is done by Altadena's youth. 16 kids. (only four are girls). Harmony, joy, exuberance, and the SAME FOUR SONGS every Sunday.

-I'll miss all the hugs, the laughter, the sharing, the growing, the team work, the service, the teaching, the generosity, the dedication and hearts after God and the over all love that defines my church.

Those of you from (whether currently or in the past) Altadena know what i'm talking about. Anyone who has visited can attest to this. We're a special group and as excited as I seem about this next chapter in my journey...a significant piece of my heart will be here in Altadena with you all. I know I didn't mention everyone, but I didn't want this post to be forever long. you ALL have played an important role in my life. I love knowing you all by name and being able to talk to whomever, whenever.

If you have ever visited or attended Altadena, I'd love to hear things YOU love about it or that touched you or that you remember to add to my list.

i thought about saving this post. but decided not to. this is part of my preparation. i am going to make the most of every sunday and wednesday night I have with these people...never taking for granted the time we spend together! I know church can get routine and we get in a rhythm. But i encourage you to find the things that make your church unique and your place there. write down who you appreciate and why and what other aspects of your church grow, nurture and strengthen you. And then live in gratefulness to God for them. they are your comrades in this battle we have going on here. they will build you up when you are torn down. they will be there when it feels like everything else is gone. God has put them in your life for a reason.
cherish them.

This is my prayer, not only for my church family in Altadena, but for the entire body of Christ.

Colossians 3:12-17

Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.
And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.

train of thought.

2011-09-20T21:21:00.000-07:00

have you ever wondered what a train of thought would look like written down? well me too. so i am trying it. READY. SET. GO!

i am really enjoying the breeze in my window right now, but it's a little chilly. i should shut my window buuut i'm sort of lazy. UGH i'm so lazy lately. ooh someone messaged me in my facebook tab. i need to go read that.

*after coming back* i really spend way too much time on facebook. my watch looks really good with this outfit, but i think i over-wear the watch. oh well...no one probably notices. i remember wearing this outfit when i went to meet a friend at in n' out. that was a fun day. i never see him anymore. OH MY GOODNESS I WANT IN N' OUT! if i had money.

why don't i have money!? i miss working at Mimi's and having a steady income. i miss hanging out with my friends. oooh i really want to go to BJ's with Dulce again and have a yummy baked potato.

ugh the bottom of my foot itches, and i'm not sure why. this is reminiscint of my...ugh i spelled reminiscint wrong. reminiscent? yeeeah that's right. ok so it reminds me of my poison ivy. and i'm too lazy to move my computer off my lap and reach down and scratch the bottom of my foot. ugh. its annoying. i'm just gonna do it...ahhhh. that is much better.

my back and neck sort of hurt, i think i slept on it wrong last night. ooh but i get to go get a massage soon. this is exciting. OH dear, i spent too much money today. but it was for a good cause. but i don't have any extra money to spend. i hate being nigh-to-destitute. i NEED A JOB! oh wait, i have one. in Minnesota. in January. maybe i can just sit here the whole fall and not work.

pretty sure my mom will not appreciate that. BUT i have been pretty helpful around the house. ooh i need to wash the dog before people come over this weekend. she is a FLEEEEA-bag.

aww that reminds me, poor little girl i was babysitting had flea bites that she itched and it bled. i forgot to tell her mom about that. eh, she'll probably read this blog and find out. haha.
ok so i had like 85 blog views yesterday. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE and where do they come from? do i even know 85 people? i have people looking at my blog from russia. which I think is awesome by the way. just didn't know i had readers in Russia.

this whole thought process thing is hard, because i can't type as fast as i can think. so i'm a little bit delayed and trying to get it all out there, but i'm doing a pretty good job. haha cuz i can type fast. Even my Supervisor at internship things i can type fast. he gets me to type all his dictations, which i love. it makes me feel like a secretary. i always wanted to be a secretary that answered phones and directed calls and typed.

i want food. i NEED food. cupcake? NO. no chocolate. everytime i crave it and try it, it backfires on me. bleh. Ok. I'm gonna go downstairs and find something munchie before i brush my teeth. UGH. red line under munchie. Munchy? still a red line. maybe its not a word. WELL IT SHOULD BE.

(alright, i'm gonna stop. cuz my thoughts are obviously all over the place and nonsense. and cuz i'm hungry but it was fun to see them, typed. and to realize this goes on ALL DAY LONG. imagine being in my brain. or rather...don't.)

au revoir.

p.s. just wrote this cuz i was on a blog-writing roll. EVERY DAY. since sunday. haha. it's a little roll. don't hate.

tqm mi amiga.

2011-09-19T21:31:00.000-07:00

On my last blog, only one person asked questions. So she gets a spotlight blog all of her own. (And just to let you know, she has no idea I'm doing this and would probably turn all blushy and cute and hate that my blog spotlight was on her. but she's worth it.)

First some background. Katie May is one special girl. I never thought we'd be as good of friends as we are (i thought she was always too cool for me, you see)...but somehow it happened! And my life has been SO blessed to have her in it.

She owns the cutest little coffee shop EVER in one of my favorite Mexican towns EVER. If you ever want to take a jaunt south of the border and get one of the best caramel frappe's EVER with a yummy homemade sweet, just trek on down to Cafe Sed.

SEE HOW CUTE IT IS!?!?!

But hold on. I'm getting ahead of myself. Allow me to go back a few years. Back when Katie and I were at a more *ahem* awkward time of life. (I think we'll both agree to that, right katie?! And i'm sure you'll be annoyed I posted these, but whatever...you still love me!)

Who even knows what we were doing here. But we were awesome. (and had just woken up i believe...) I want to say Purdue Trip 2007?

This was after one of the work teams and I hung out with Katie's family. Ryan was visiting. She gave me a duct-tape purse. (Katie you can be comforted that I look pretty terrible in these, so it's humbling haha)

This is one of my favorite pictures. We were doing slip-n-slide in the bodega at CVE (amazingly slippery floors). Us combined with Aly's face and just the whole moment that was captured makes me smile =)

and more recently when i visit her, she makes me yummy arroz con pollo!

One of my favorite treats with one of my favorite people! (Fresas Con Crema made only how the little heladeria can make it in Magdalena =P)

Anyway...Katie is one of my dearest and sweetest friends. Always encouraging and ready with a hug. She is real and genuine and loves Jesus with all her heart. She is a servant, a friend, a fair employer and a great confidant.

So she asked me some questions about me moving. I will answer them here:

(1) will you forget about me? No Katie...that is not even possible. You're far too big a part of my life for me to forget about you.

(2-4) where will you live? by yourself? with someone else? Very good question. At this point in time, I will be looking for apartments with someone from a private university in the area. There is Bethel College and also an all-girls catholic university that will probably have some pretty good options! It'll be an adventure, that's for sure. I have had some pretty bad roommate experiences as well as some pretty amazing ones. So I'm just taking it to God in prayer and leaving it up to him!

(5) will you have a cat? I love how you already know the answer to this one =)

(6) didn’t think so. will you have a dog? I was actually driving along today and thinking how much I want to get a dog when I'm there. But I want a really big dog...so unless I end up living in a house instead of an apartment, I doubt I'll get one. I also sort of want a rat. Don't get grossed out, they are amazing pets. trust me, I know.

(7) are you gonna be there foreverrrrrrrr? Forever is a long time. And no, I won't be gone forever. SoCal really does have my heart and I will always feel the draw to come back here. But it promised me it'll still be here and gave me it's blessing to go out gallivanting.

(8) what will i do now that i won’t have easy access to youuuuuu? Well I'll still come at Thanksgiving...and maybe even squeeze in a spring/summer trip. Other than that, we'll just have to make regular skype dates. Trust me, I'll be missing everyone a LOT...so promise me we'll stay in touch!

Thanks Katie, not only for your questions, but for being a sweet, supportive and AMAZING friend. Tu eres como la hermana que nunca he tenido. I love you with all my heart.

p.s. you might ask why i only waited one day for questions to roll in? well i happen to know that i had 62 views of this post. and only one person asked. so y'all had your chance ;) haha juuuust kidding. maybe.

moving on...

2011-09-18T14:27:00.000-07:00

My blog today is two-fold in nature. And although they are separate events i am reporting, they are pretty closely linked.

First of all: I'm going to be an aunt all over again!! AH! I'm so excited about it! Jim, Krissa and Karlina will be joined by baby #2 this march! It is really weird to think about how our family is growing and how by next year at this time, we'll have another little life that fits in so perfectly! I can't even wait!

This leads me to my second announcement...

I'm moving.

To Minnesota.

In January.

So, now on to FAQ:

1. Don't you know you're crazy for moving in winter time? Yes. I am frequently reminded of this by the locals both here and there. and yes, I realize I do not have any of the appropriate wardrobe for survival. working on it.

2. So what exactly will you be doing there? I will be working part time babysitting Karlina and new baby. The other part time I will look for another job. Hopefully in the probation field.

3. You mean you're not pursuing your career? Going to grad school? Working in LA probation? That was three questions. but yes i'll pursue my career. just not how I had originally planned. No. i'm not going to grad school. That hasn't been an option for a while now. and I'm working LA probation until December. And then I will learn about St. Paul probation =) who knows, maybe they have bad kids too.

4. Are you sad about leaving california? Well...yes. I'm sad to be leaving California. Who wouldn't be. But I'm not sad to be going to Minnesota. Does that make sense? I'm actually really excited about starting a new chapter. I've never done anything quite this spontaneous before. It is liberating. On the other hand, I love Altadena church, you all know from previous posts that I love SoCal in general, I have lots of friends and family here etc... this just means we get to use all forms of technology to keep in touch. and I'll buy lots of beach/mountain/city posters for my room =)

These are just a few of the many I'm sure people have. So please leave a comment with a question(s) and I will answer them in the next post. No question is too out there. I'm sure I've heard them all. =)

Anyway...That's my news. Thank you all for your love and support and prayers. While the decision was made relatively spontaneously, there was still a lot of prayer and thought that went into it. Looking forward to hearing your questions, my reading populous (hint-hint).

happy sunday to you all.

All the World's a Stage...

2011-09-14T21:40:00.000-07:00

...And all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and their entrances.

This little concept was brought to my attention by my rather wise Uncle Joe tonight at church. We were reading in Acts 23 about Paul's nephew who warned the commander of Roman centurions about a plan the Jews had concocted to ambush Paul and kill him on his way to visit Felix. It saved Paul's life.

Now we never really talk about this story. Pretty sure I couldn't have won Bible Trivia about Paul's family members. Who even knew he had a sister AND a nephew. And on top of that...his nephew SAVED his life!! Paul's five-day trial with Felix is well known, but how he got there gets little attention.

Joe made a point of saying that there are people who are small characters in our lives but end up impacting us hugely and playing a larger role in the bigger picture of our lives. And vice-versa, we have no idea when that one random conversation with that woman on the bus could be the very thing that causes her to give up doing drugs and to turn her life around. That one smile and encouraging word to the sullen looking kid could be the reminder he needs that there is life and happiness and hope in this world.

So I thought over some people who played brief and "insignificant" roles in my life (some of these people i may not even know personally!) that ended up impacting me farther down the road.

Mrs. Arai: She was my 6th grade writing teacher. My very first outside class as a homeschooler. Looking back now, I did not learn a whole lot of writing from her, and the only vocabulary word I remember learning to spell was "Pedestrian." But that woman loved WWII and Jewish History around that time. we watched movies, read books, did research and went to the Museum of Tolerance. This led to my love of this period in history. My friend, Kaeli can attest that i have read dozens of books and seen numerous movies on this subject.
Joy, Ayodele and Akili: This single mom and her kids homeschooled with us and came over to play all the time. They were African-American and Joy was blind. I learned at that time in my life that people that are different than us (either color or "disability") are people just the same. And I also learned that someone who is blind does not need to be debilitated by their blindness. Joy was one of the most (excuse the cliche) joyful people I knew. She had her share of difficulty in her life, but she loved God and raised her children with strength, and the disadvantage of no sight.
Ernie: A regular every morning at the Mimi's I worked at in Monrovia. He always came in at the same time and sat in the same spot at the counter and ate oatmeal. every morning. He also was an alcoholic who had not sipped alcohol in years. he was active in AA and was well known in those circles. he traveled around speaking and leading groups. He was such an amazing example of what God can do in a broken life, and he lived his testimony out, and continued changing lives.
Anglin Brothers et. al: When I read about their escape attempt from Alcatraz in 1962, I was blown away by their genius idea to create dummy heads molded from soap shavings and covered in hair from the prison barber. It was their particular escape attempt that drew me to the world of crime and the minds of criminals. I can say that I am in the field I'm in today significantly in part to these men.
Leonard: Ok. he was on a video. But he was my Algebra/Geometry teacher through homeschool years. I learned FOIL (first, outside, inside, last-algebraic term). Never underestimate the usefulness of FOIL in life to come. Just Sayin' =P
Mrs. Reinebach: i spent (well, my mom spent) a substantial amount of money for me to take piano lessons from this woman at a local university. She was intense. And a college professor. I was around 15 or 16. She would open the hymn book we use at church and point to songs I'd never heard of before and tell me to sight read. then write chords for them. then transpose them into different keys. she made me cry almost every week. but she taught me all I know about chords, which is pretty much all I play for piano now. She taught me to know my piano keyboard so well I could make up music in any key.
Noe: This hardworking man left his family behind in Mexico so he could come to California to make money to send to them. some would call it abandonment...we all knew it was love. he had worn pictures of his wife, son and daughter who he talked about all the time. he worked for my dad and was at our house frequently. he taught me that you sacrifice comfort for the well-being of the people you care about. he taught me that the best carnitas in the world are made in a copper pot over a fire in the back yard with a whole pig, pounds of lard, oranges and salt. he taught me that to learn another language, culture and lifestyle you just dive in head-first and always keep a smile on your face when the odds are stacked against you.
Murphy: transferred to his World Religions class half-way through my senior year of high school. he was so cool, but so down to earth. he made God seem real and reachable. he cared fiercely for the people around him. he could poke good-natured fun but always held us in the highest respect when we deserved it, even though we were just high school kids. He had my back when I made a bold move and stood up for myself and many kids scoffed and shunned me. He told me, "Suz don't ever let someone disrespect you, especially men. and don't give up hope...God has got something amazing for you down the road. stay close to Him."
Max: penned the words from a book that have helped me understand how God views me: the more you trust my love the more their opinions of you won't matter. You are special because I made you...and I don't make mistakes. (You are Special). This has become a catch-phrase that I repeat in my mind when I feel as though I must have been made with a defect. I cannot tell you how many dark holes I was saved from slipping into because of this promise that Max shared through his writing.
Ozzy: He mocked me. He ridiculed me. He made me cry. And he enjoyed it. But this man who had ice-blue eyes and a biting tongue taught me invaluable lessons about myself. I became confident in who I was and where I had come from. I have the choice to decide who to hand the power over to. The power to define who I am as a person. Ozzy or God. I used to choose Ozzy...and it devastated me. Now I choose God...and it has strengthened me. So...thanks Oz.
Mr. DeSpain: This man is old. Really old. He and his wife were regulars at the Mimi's I worked at in Downey. They were picky. They were fussy. But I loved them. Mr. DeSpain was a WWII survivor (probably another reason why I liked him). (proves even grouchy people have a story we may not know). He would bring pictures of his time in Europe and tell stories of the horrors of war. He would tear up and get a far-away look in his eye. I learned that no matter what a man does (kill, fight, march, leave his family for an unknown amount of time) and no matter how jaded he gets in order to self-preserve...there is a scared, emotional, broken piece of him inside...even if deeply buried. Then I learned how God and a faithful, loving spouse can heal a lot of hurts. I may never see Mr. DeSpain again in this life. But I know I will see him in heaven. And until then, he gave me some Peruvian Daffodil bulbs that bloom beautifully to remind me of him.

These are just a few of the many interactions I've had over my life that have seemed like small players but have left a lasting impression/impact. Remember at any given time and place, you could be that person for someone else. You never know how your words and actions could make an impression on someone. Something I need to keep in mind is that this works with both positive and negative. I didn't mention those negative impressions/impacts but there are plenty of those too.

Be the person who bring the Fruits of the Spirit wherever you go...touching lives, bringing life. (for those of you who might need a refresher course, the Fruits are: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Meekness, Gentleness and Self Control.)

P.S. I also want to mention other people who played a larger role in my life and impacted me significantly: Mrs. Buswell (piano teacher), Sue (Sunday School Teacher), Mrs. Wilcox (Biology teacher), Mr. Cruthers (US History/economics teacher), Mrs. Lane (English/Speech teacher), Sheri (dear friend/teacher), Matt (Bible Prof) and Miss G (Soc. prof/friend). I'm sure there are many more...these are just some that have meant a lot to me over the years.

unashamed.

2011-09-11T15:29:00.001-07:00

"What are we sneaking around for?
Who are we trying to please?
Shrugging off sin, apologizing
Like we're spreading some kind of disease."

[newsboys: i'm not ashamed]

Here's how the story goes. There was once a man in Rwanda around 1980. He was told to renounce Christ or face certain death. he would not betray his faith in Jesus Christ and was killed on the spot. This note was found written on a piece of paper in his belongings:

"I am part of the fellowship of the unashamed. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ.

I won’t look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, and my future is secure.

I’m finished and done with low living, sight-walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tame visions, mundane talking, cheap [selfish] giving, and dwarfed goals.

My pace is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions few, my Guide reliable, my mission clear.

I won’t give up, back up, let up, or shut up until I’ve preached up, prayed up, paid up, stored up, and stayed up for the cause of Christ.

I must go until He returns, give until I drop, preach until all know, and work until He comes. And when He comes, He will have no problem recognizing me. My colors will be clear. “For I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ."

[voice of the martyrs. pg 150]

i get chills every time i read or hear that. because this isn't a hallmark card. This is someone's life mission. Someone thought this was so important he died. DIED. seriously...this man's devotion was SO rock solid. and he was killed for this belief.

we live too cushy a life. we don't know what true persecution is. So we let these things slide. These days, in America, "everything" is accepted. it doesn't make joining a fellowship like this anything special. Well, blood-bought redeemed believers in Jesus Christ...let's MAKE it special. Let's make it radical.

Instead of giving myself to a comfortable, emotional religion...I want to dedicate myself to a life-long cause. One that I am bound to and unashamed of. One that requires work and loyalty and has unending rewards.

"I'm not ashamed to let you know
I want this light in me to show
I'm not ashamed to speak the name of Jesus Christ."

[newsboys: i'm not ashamed]

This is something that I, for one, plan on remembering. will you join me in the fellowship of the unashamed?

music.

2011-09-11T00:54:00.000-07:00

i cannot explain my love for music. at times it overwhelms my soul.
sometimes my only response is to dance.
sit in silence.
sing at the top of my lungs.
lift my hands.
laugh.
just let the tears fall.

something that beautiful could only be created by Someone who delights in blessing me.

i have played piano and violin for the greater part of my life. I used to hate taking lessons. I took hour long violin lessons weekly, and used to have two one-hour lessons of piano a week. I was taught by about five violin teachers. I was instructed in piano by one of the most amazing pianists. She was in her eighties and legally blind.

there were tears.

there were performances.

there were promises to never play again if i wasn't made to by my mom.

and yet tonight i sat down at a piano. it was a beautiful baby grand. I cannot play "Falling Leaves" or "Three Pieces by Carl Czerny" or "Edelweiss Glide". Not anymore. Sure I could stumble through it. But i am not the musician i once was.

so i began to play something else. and sing.

i do not have an amazing voice. I can stay in tune. but i have no range. (the reason why I was tenor in choir). but i enjoy sitting by myself and playing and singing.

i express my emotions through music. there is so much soul and beauty that can flow from the fingers to the keys of a piano. i have laughed while playing piano.

i have cried.

when i am driving i always have music going. i pick it to fit my mood. in fact I am going to share a secret with you. sometimes if I have just experienced something that overwhelms me with sadness, or lifts my soul with joy, or fills my belly with burning anger or blinds my view with despair, I will often take a moment and find a song.

i don't have a go-to song. I just scroll through til I find one with lyrics that either fit my mood or counter it if it needs to change.

My brother once told me there is a song for every moment in life. I have found this to be generally true. whether lyrically or musically...there really is. and I haven't even begun to scratch the musical surface.

It is one of the most beautiful art-forms to me. I can only imagine the delight God takes in the music. people all over the world play music. many do not even acknowledge the One who created it. They dedicate their lives to perfecting their art. Many use it for blaspheming and defaming all that is good and right and sacred. This saddens my heart. music is a powerful medium for communication.

some people don't listen to much music. every time I hear that, I inwardly gasp. how could you NOT listen to music?! I understand not everyone has a connection to it like I do. But take a moment. find a symphony recording (or better yet, GO to the symphony) and just close your eyes and listen to the harmony of instruments. sit down at a piano and pick out some notes. it doesn't need to be beautiful.

"make a joyful noise unto the Lord..."

have joy in your heart. make music. listen to it. sing it. bask in its beauty. enjoy its simplicity. stand in awe of its complexity. relish its depth. or delight in its shallowness. it really is all things to all people.

and if you're gonna be in heaven with me, be prepared to enjoy it for all eternity! =)

p.s. sorry for the choppiness of this post. I just wrote as I thought...and didn't edit it at all.

late graduation gift.

2011-09-07T20:01:00.000-07:00

Today was the day. It was the only thing on my calender bringing me back to california from my road trip.

It all started on a beautiful california day in June. the story is here. And now here is the ending of this saga in my life.

I woke up this morning at 6:30 am. earlier than I've been awake in weeks. by far. As I begin my morning rituals to get ready, I practice in the mirror what I'm going to say to the judge.

I practiced the demanding/articulate/probation-officer-suzy technique:
"Your Honor, I was working 20-30 hours a week, proving I am making a positive contribution in the community. I was also in school full time, had finals, graduation, moving home and a week long vacation. I had no plausible time in which to renew my license. I should not be held responsible for something that I easily fixed. And on top of that, I am a Probation Officer in training and as I apply and get background-checked i CANNOT have my record tainted by this trivial matter. Is there something you can do to help me? your honor?"

Then I practiced the sweet/charming/repentant technique:
"Your Honor, it was all my fault. I was totally irresponsible in not getting my license renewed. I would be so grateful for any break you can give me. I have never had a record and I did go the next day and get it fixed. Is there anything you could do for me? I would so appreciate it!"

Then there's always the break-down-in-tears technique. didn't really practice that one.

Turns out...didn't use any of them. hah.

So I arrive at the courthouse (after frantically looking for parking and finding it in a CASH-ONLY lot. ugh. so not convenient). I arrive at the proper courtroom and find my name on the docket list.

#49.

Seriously? I have to wait for 49 people to be heard BEFORE ME? bleh.

As I sat in the courtroom and the clerk took roll, my tummy started to knot up. My heart-rate picked up a little. I know, I know...you're thinking to yourself, "Suzy...you're IN law enforcement. you are in courtrooms all the time! how do you expect to do your job?"
Well let me tell you that when it is for someone else, I'm fine in a courtroom and around officers of the court. But for some reason, if it has to do with me....everything related to law and law enforcement sort of scares me.

I'm working on it.

anyway, the Prosecutor begins talking to various people that were there. I was one of those lucky ducks. He actually pulled me aside to a little room and sat down and told me that because I was charged with a misdemeanor and that was a criminal charge, I had the right to legal counsel. He also told me that normally he would just reduce it from a misdemeanor to an infraction with a nice fine instead of a criminal record. how compassionate.

I explained that i DID have a license but it was just expired. He asked to see my renewed license and discovered that i did tell the truth and had gotten it renewed the day after I got pulled over. He was impressed (i think). Well he must have been. because he mumbled some things, looked over the file before he said, "well it looks like you were just busy in school when all this happened. and you got it taken care of immediately. And honestly i have bigger fish to fry today. So I'm going to dismiss this charge completely. and you are free to go. You have my word as an officer of the court that I'll tell the judge that we don't want to press charges. You have no record."

I was SO relieved. i thanked him profusely. and then on my way out he says, "So are you back in school?"

to which I replied (with a little extra joy in my heart), "Nope, I graduated in may!"

He gives me a jovial grin as he opens the door and ushers me out, "Well then...consider this a late graduation gift!"

How awesome is that!?

Pretty sure that God was watching out for me on that one. =)

Now the saga is finished. Whew. On with real life.

thoughts: I have dedicated my entire education to studying crime/criminals and Jesus. People say they don't mix. But I'm pretty sure they do. Because this morning I was a criminal. I prayed and the good Lord delivered me. (warning: do try this--prayer, not misdemeanors-- at home. results may vary, but satisfaction guaranteed or your...soul back? um. i'll have to work on that)

peace and happy crime-free days to everyone.

conversations

2011-09-05T23:11:00.000-07:00

recently, I've been trying to communicate with people about something I'm learning and sometimes the only way I know how to do it is to let them in on a personal side of my life.

conversations. the ones I have with God. Where he talks to me and I talk to him.

This is an age-old question...does God really speak to people these days? I mean we know he did in the Bible, but what about now? Does he only speak through people or through the Bible?

Jesus said, (paraphrase from John 10), I am the Good Shepherd...My sheep know my voice and I call them by name...They follow me, because they know my voice. I know my own and my own know me.

But how do we know his voice? Which one is his and which one is Satan's? is it a voice? or merely a feeling? (if you have any thoughts/personal experience on this, feel free to share)

In my Gospel of John class, we had a lengthy discussion on what it means to hear the voice of God... There were lots of questions, lots of scripture verses, lots of personal experiences shared...and it was sort of agreed upon that there is no text-book way to define how God talks to us.

But I know he does. Because he talks to me. It's not like a conversation you'd have face-to-face. In fact, many might think it is me just "talking to myself." Or maybe just the whole "conscience", "devil/angel on shoulders" or "Jiminy Cricket" sort of thing. But I'm pretty sure its not. I'm more selfish and self-deprecating and insecure and distracted to be able to just think all of this up on my own. I can't exactly describe how these conversations go. and often they are compiled of multiple encounters and lessons I have with God. Often times I don't even realize they happened until I try to articulate it later.

ugh. this is so difficult to put into words. Maybe you can relate. maybe you can't. But let me share with you a recent conversation I have had with God about my current situation in life.
(disclaimer: my conversations with God come off casual. Not one you'd have with the King and Creator of the universe. But honestly, that's how he talks with me. So please don't take it as disrespect for the Majesty and awesomeness of God.)

Me: God sometimes I just want to know whats next. could you please give me some clue? or let the job I want call me back quicker. Or show me who I'm gonna marry. I mean, I don't NEED to be married now. but it'd be nice to know... And should I move out or stay with my parents? I mean I don't want to be "stuck" here...but it is good on the pocket-book. and I miss college. not academics, but the school. and i have all this pressure from people that I should go to grad school. but i DON'T WANT TO!

God: Suzy...suzy. Shh...just slow down a minute. why are you in such a hurry to move on to the next thing? I've just brought you to a culmination of a LOT of life events here...Graduation, quitting a job and a road trip. And now you're back. why must you strive for what's next?

Me: Well...I thought I'm supposed to be ambitious and driven and looking for where you want me. Graduation is supposed to lead to career. Quitting a job means finding a new one. I have to make plans and organize my life and all that.

God: But what if I want you right here. in this moment. See what you don't understand is while your mind is rushing with thoughts of what is next, you are missing the abundance I have for you right here.

Me: right here includes no job, living with my parents and no life...all that is right here is just...sort of blah

God: Um...not that I take offense at anything you say to me...but seriously? I could take that personal if i didn't know you. life with me is blah? Come on. i have given you joy unspeakable...peace that passes understanding...a salvation that will take you to glory... and you say its blah?

Me: *sheepishly* well that's not really what I meant. All that stuff is good...

God: Just stop right there. that stuff is good. now sit with me here. just take a minute. and be with me and that good stuff. Because i have given it to you specifically. because i love you, and I want you to delight in what I've given you. And I also have so much other good stuff for you. take a look at the past few weeks since you've been home and tell me that it's blah.

(God also gives me visual pictures in my mind's eye. because I'm a visual learner)

so i muse over the mental pictures that have been the past few weeks:

beach picnics with friends and family.
conversations with my little brother that bond us closer.
a time of worship with music and lyrics that touch my soul.
an unexpected hug from a distant friend.
a letter in the mail from someone thanking me for listening and just being me.
teenage boys with soft hearts who cry and pour out their heart because they trust me and each other.
a sweet text from my dad, "good morning sunshine! have a great day! 143 (i love you)".
a long-distance phone call from my brother and sister-in-law out of the blue sharing laughs, updates and life.
a supervisor at my internship that is so excited to have me back working with him again and asks to see all the pictures from my trip.
sunday school kids who give me hugs and are excited for our times together each week.
an unexpected check in the mail from school that came in time to pay some bills.

And I turn back to God with a humble and grateful heart.

Me: Wow...wow. you're right. in fact you see the tears in my eyes as I remember how amazing and faithful you have been to me. this isn't blah at all! how stupid am I!

God: No, daughter. not stupid at all. merely temporarily blinded by what you thought was bigger and better and where I wanted you. but let this be a lesson to you. next isn't always better. now holds what you need. next is not guaranteed. now is.

Me: Thank you...for reminding me. again.

God: remember though, remain pliable and ready. I'm not stopping here. "Now" might include some pretty big and monumental things. I am here with you through it all. Just like I've always been. Love and trust me with abandon and we'll do just fine together. in fact you'll be more than fine. you'll thrive like never before. (if he had a picturable face, he'd be grinning.)

Me: (grinning back) i can never say it enough. Thank you. for everything. your promises. talking me through this. your patience. my goodness, thanks for your patience. this must be so tiring sometimes, going over this stuff with me again and again.

God: Hardly. any time I can spend talking with you and nurturing you and watching you grow...it delights me. Keep coming back and talking with me. You've made leaps and bounds in your growth with me. and there is SO much more i can't wait to show you! I hope you are as excited as I am.

Maybe that felt like script to you. Maybe you have never had that before. Maybe you HAVE. There is no cookie-cutter way to encounter God. He may speak differently to you. This is just me. I just wanted to share it. Because it is so special to me.

And I don't normally do this, but I want to ask you please do not criticize the conversation I shared with you. It is personal...and it is real...it is vulnerable for me...and it is not yours to judge.

But please feel free to share your own experiences or thoughts on communication/conversing with God. =)

snippets of life.

2011-08-30T09:57:00.000-07:00

This post consists of photos. and captions. No particular order! enjoy =)
p.s. you DO want to keep going, because these are not on facebook. just fyi.

Playing pool at Doug and Sandy's. This was a posed picture. these boys seriously are amazing. it's not ever day you can get six boys ages 14-18 together and have them open up, play, love, cry, eat and joke around like these guys can. i love them =)

and because i know you're dying to find out... yes, that is a moose head. and yes, it was once alive. and yes, the man of the house did hunt it. and yes, he did have a moose-eating party for all his kin and friends. and no, i did not attend.

(l-r: seth, justin, david, anthony, petter, joey)

i never promised short captions =P

this is the double winding staircase in the front entry way of Doug and Sandy's house. Every time i go there, i resist the urge to go to the top and walk down, trailing my hand along the banister while scoping the party below like Scarlett O'Hara in Gone with the Wind.
maybe someday i'll just bring my hoop skirt along and do it!

Mmm I love Hermosa beach. This is the view from the pier. AMAZINGLY beautiful day. THIS is why I love california.

And this is why Michigan isn't so bad either =) amazing sunset on Big Pine Island Lake. Toodling about the lake in the pontoon boat with the family. (yes. toodling is a word.)

I was so glad I got to visit my awesome cousin Maria and her cute hubby, Jim. Turns out, DT grand rapids is pretty great at night. wonderful balmy weather, pretty lights, fun music in the park. I really enjoyed my time there!

Yes ladies...he IS single!
(Honestly, I think he was trying to fit cheetos in his mouth without breaking them? maybe? too bad we don't have pics of him feeding the dog cheetos from between his toes. never a dull moment. seriously).

trust me, its ten times better in the edited form. =) one thing i love about my brother Johnny is that while he can be grown up and responsible, he also is down for a crazy good time. Always full of laughs, funny faces, and inside jokes. definitely one of my favorite people, ever.

So this is my niece, Karlina. she is a girl in case there is any confusion (we've had that mix-up before). And Karlina loves peaches. Watch Karlina put the peach in her face and suck it mercilessly. (i could write a children's book about it like, See Spot Run. But Karlina, Peaches and mercilessly are all really big words for kids to read/understand.)
ANYWAY. the kid loves peaches. it was incredible to watch her devour them with her gummy mouth inhabited by only two teensy teeth.

Mmm...the view from the porch of the cottage overlooking the yard and the lake. beautiful. relaxing. peaceful.

awwww cuuute little family!
NOT.
This is John and Amy. They don't have kids. They have a puppy. But they sure look cute with kids! Hey guys. have a kid.

I love this picture. It's Gramzy and Karlina and a snoozing Papa. We were giving Mommy and Daddy a rest from the baby and we forgot a jacket. so we wrapped her in a huge blanket.

See. johnny can be somewhat normal. and they look just fine sans baby. (ok guys, you don't have to have kids. the puppykins works ok)
=)

Yeah. forget what I said about normal. They were legitimately doing this in the kitchen. Too many unanswered questions like: Is this a dance or a fight? Are they ninja's or knights? Does Joey's leg really need to be that high on the table? Was it posed or was it natural?
I'll let you decide =)

Well Now you get a glimpse into my life. even MORE so than you normally would!
thanks for reading. and looking.
adios.

run wild with the hope.

2011-08-27T08:29:00.000-07:00

"From the place where morning gathers
You can look sometimes forever 'til you see
What time may never know
How the Lord takes by its corners this old world
And shakes us forward and shakes us free

To run wild with the hope

The hope that this thirst will not last long
That it will soon drown in the song
Not sung in vain
And I feel thunder in the sky
I see the sky about to rain
And I hear the prairies calling out Your name"

Mmm. it gives me chills every time I read/sing/hear it. This is part of a song by one of my favorite Christian artists. It is considered "old school" and not many from my generation know/appreciate/love him or even know who he is. He is the writer of very popular songs like, "Awesome God", "Step by Step" and "Creed." But many people miss some of his other songs. And they often hold some of the deepest nuggets of truth. Here is the link for the video.

As you will see, he is not a performer. He doesn't have a "happenin' stage presence." But he is so talented. and his heart is sincerely after God.

I would have loved to attend one of his concerts and worship with him. I think I admire him, his musical talent, his lyrics and his ministry more than almost any other Christian music artist to date.

He died. in 1997. It always makes my heart hurt when I think about it. I think, "My goodness, what a tragedy." or "Why him! he was such an amazing guy!" But then I remember that God is all about his glory. and this man glorified him in life and death. I have benefited so much from his songs.

Ugh. I'm Sorry. This post wasn't originally about Rich Mullins. It was about sunrises. and hope. and the glory of God. Will it annoy you too bad if I keep writing? Oh well. =)

So if you go back and read the lyrics I posted, I will tell you why this song and especially this excerpt are so important to my heart. Every time I have road tripped, especially through what seems like the middle of nowhere (Kansas, Dakota, Nebraska etc...), I have listened to this song. And one time a long time ago, me and my brother were the only ones awake driving through Utah at sunrise. we listened to this song together.

I listened to it on my road trip, driving at sunrise. And then the other morning I took my parents to the airport at 5 in the morning, and on the way back, the sun was breaking through and I was in awe.

I am NEVER up that early. People say it is worth it. I have always doubted that.

But they were right.

Coming from behind the San Gabriel Mountains was a glow that morphed the night sky into a slate gray. what few visible stars there were twinkled their last and slowly faded out. the wisps of clouds became a sharp white before glowing gold and becoming brilliantly shiny around the edges. the gray remained in the west while the eastern sky held a mixture of blue, gold and pink. Not as deep as a sunset, but just as fantastic. And the sun wasn't even showing yet. (I was back home and in bed by that time!)

(closest thing that depicts sort of what I saw)

My focus was on the sky. But as I came over the pass from the 105 to the 110 heading into Downtown LA, I was struck by the irony of this situation. Here was the glory of God, on display right in front of me. There was no denying how Big and Awesome my God is when I see this art show come alive before me against the mountains.

Forget Disney's world of color... this is where its at. AND its free (well...the low LOW cost of waking up ridiculously early).

The irony comes in when I looked at where the sky met the earth and there was nothing but city as far as the eye could see. and this isn't just any city. this is Los Angeles. More than lights and houses and money and fame and diversity and churches and schools and opportunities.

It is crime and gangs and corruption and prostitution and orphans and abuse and trafficking and drugs and... and brokenness.

How are these two phenomenon existing together. How is the glory of God hovering over a city like this one. Then I realize...it's not hovering...its seeping. spreading its tendrils through the city blocks. wrapping around the lonely and the brokenhearted. it is everywhere.

and the Lord took by the corner my whole world and shook it forward and shook it free. to run wild with the hope that this thirst will not last long, but it will soon drown in a song not sung in vain.

the glory of God is not only in the sunrise. Not only in the Billy Graham or Harvest crusades.
It is in the giving of food to a homeless man. offering your seat on the bus to an older woman. weeping with those who weep. rejoicing with those who rejoice.
it is the prayer warriors who gather together or meet God in the quietness of their own room. it is in the healing of a life-threatening disease that I foolishly attribute only to science. it is in the fingers of an artist creating something new, unique and original. it is in the notes of the symphony playing in perfect harmony.
it is in the lives of each and every believer who continually comes to God in repentance, with a heart that is pliable and ready for what is next. It is in the heart of a seeker who knows he wants more, and is longing for fulfillment and realizes it only comes through Jesus Christ.

but I almost miss it. because I cannot imagine how the glory of God could be in this place.

i don't want to forget that this IS the glory of God. and i can see it in my city, if only i have eyes to see and a heart to understand.

there is hope.

Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

(Romans 5:2-5)

home.

2011-08-23T11:19:00.000-07:00

there are songs written about it. everyone from...

John Denver: "Ain't it good to be back home again..."

to

Diddy: "I'm coming home...coming home. Tell the world I'm coming home."

to

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zero's: "Home is wherever I'm with you."

to

A Hymn Writer: "There is beauty all around, when there's love at home."

And let me tell you...I have come to appreciate this concept of home so much! (it will be touched upon later)

In case you haven't figured it out, I have returned from my Month (and six days) excursion across the country. When thinking about writing this blog, it seemed a bit daunting. I haven't updated since the beginning of the month, and I didn't know how I would fit all of those stories and pictures into one blog without being overwhelmed.

So...i decided not to. (write about the last few weeks of my trip).

That does not mean i cannot summarize. but it will be a TRUE summary. not a typical Suzy-Summary (which can range anywhere from a few descriptive sentences to a detailed narrative.)

Bullet points normally keep me from rambling. normally.

i decided to summarize so that we'll actually have something to talk about when I see you. Spilling it all on my blog makes conversations with people go like this.

Person: "Aw hi Suzy! How are you doing!?"
Me: "Hey! I'm doing really well! Just got back from an AMAZING road trip!"
Person: "Oh yeah! I read all about it on your blog! it sounded so fun!"
Me: "...oh cool! yeah...that was pretty much it!"
*awkward silence*
Person: "And I read about what you plan on doing this fall too! Sounds like a great plan!"
Me: "Yup...pretty excited about it."
*awkward pause*
Person: "Well it was really great to catch up with you... Keep posting blogs, i love the updates!"
Me: "You too!"
(i silently wonder if my writing is that much better than my conversation so that people would rather read about it via blog instead of talking to me about it. trust me people, i'm much more animated in real life...)

then i go home and blog stalk them.

Gateway woods volunteering- fantastic and amazing. great people. hard work. heart benefits from serving.
poison ivy- one of the worst experiences of my life. lots of no-sleep nights. lots of medication. my legs and feet have lots of scars now.
Gateway woods Sale- I never cease to be amazed at how incredible this event is. teamwork. people. fellowship. money flowing like it was never an issue. lemon shake-ups being sold for $50 a cup. phenomenal. like always.
Meeting with Chief Probation Officer of Allen County-This was a great experience. but it helped me realize that i was made for LA and it was made for me.
Family Vacation-Bullet point can't do it justice. but i'm being committed to my style here. it was so great. adorable niece started walking. puppykins loves her auntie Suzy. everyone got along. lots of water sports. lots of AMAZING food. inside jokes. memories. i love my family so SO much.
Trek Home-My great friend Kaits offered to drive home with me. we decided to push through. I left Byron Center, MI at 9:34 am on Sunday morning. Drove to Chicago. picked up Kaits. we left pretty immediately and we arrived at my home at 4:07 pm on Monday afternoon. Simon stayed healthy. We took turns sleeping and driving. we are road warriors.

And with that...I am home.

Only Kaits can truly attest to how excited this made me. Every sign for Pasadena made me yelp in excitement. Everytime I'd give it just a moment of thought, I'd squeal and smile super big. Don't get me wrong...i have loved my trip immensely. I just love home more.

I love the familiar. the streets I can drive on without a GPS. the old Armenian ladies that walk up and down the streets. the neighbor's awesome burn-notice-esque charger. the buildings. all things that I know.

There are so many places i want to go and see. People i need to catch up with. foods I need to eat. AHHH!!!

Being home is good for my heart. it settles me. It is a gift God has given me to remind me that he loves me. Because sometimes I forget. So I am going to now learn not to take advantage of this gift. I will learn to relish the little details of my life that bless me. Decide that when there are challenges and difficulties that I will look for the reminders of his Love.

And now to start life! =) thank you for all your prayers, love, hospitality, texts, facebook comments, hugs, etc... during my trip.

Au Revoir!

p.s. if you DO blog-stalk me (no judgment, cuz I do it)/read my blog, please comment! Just say hi. or "read by me." or whatever. I don't care if we don't know each other well (or at all) and you feel creepy! I like to know who reads my blog, so those conversations in person that might happen some day where i'm rambling on about my life and you ALREADY KNOW IT can be avoided. (fair warning: i might still ramble. that's just me. but the chances are SLIGHTLY SMALLER knowing you've read it already.)
'kaythanks.

House of God, forever.

2011-08-01T07:53:00.000-07:00

[I always thought church was only about reading the Bible and singing and praying. and I felt bad for being so excited about seeing people and fellowshipping.
But then.
i realized that there is more to the House of God than merely going through religious motions. It is gathering with your brothers and sisters in Christ and worshiping God. ]

Here it is. One of my absolute favorite sundays of the year. (This year, I actually get TWO of them!) I am excited. I am apprehensive. For all of my social inclinations, I tend to back off in large settings like this and get a little shy. There are so many people I want to see. I am greeted by a nice man I've never seen before with a newsboy hat and a fantastic tie.

And so it begins. *deep breath*

I catch the eye of that one girl from Illinois across the foyer...oh what was her name? It is an awkward split-second as we decide if we know each other well enough to say hi or just merely break eye contact and go on our ways.

we break eye contact. It's just easier that way.

I see a little girl holding on to her daddy's hand, looking shyly at me from behind his leg. I know her from last year, but she has grown so much. I give a little wave. She's not sure she recognizes me, but she smiles anyway and then buries her head in her arm.

I follow my sister-in-law into the nursery (she is in charge of watching kids today). I decide I'll watch the people coming into church from there and when i see someone I know, I'll go find them.

A former girls-camp counselor walks into the baby room. She was in her early twenties and single when I knew her for that incredible weekend in high school. Now she has a handsome husband and BEAUTIFUL baby perched on her hip. we say hi...but it is one of those things where we've both grown and changed so much, we aren't the people we used to be. but it is so nice to see her face and see where she is at in life.

Finally i see the faces of some very dear people to me. as they get out of the car and walk toward church, I leave the baby room and stand inconspicuously by the coat closet. Scanning the room, I see so many people I know. But they are all engrossed in Sunday-morning conversations. Somewhere in the background someone gives off a song in the sanctuary. The strains of a hymn filter out, mostly carried by the "faithful fifteen" (or in Altadena, the faithful four) who are in church promptly at 10:00 for singing.

My cousin who is living there for the summer is one face I've been looking forward to seeing. He makes eye contact with me and walks straight over. We don't say anything. just hug. familiarity will do that to you.
he has whales on his tie. that is how awesome he is.

I catch the eyes of some close friends and nod at them. we make a silent agreement with our eyes to meet at the lunch hour for a hug and a quick catch-up session.

Then I see her.

One of the most familiar and dear faces to me. One I associate with love, hugs, sweetness, motherhood and home. Her back is to me as i walk toward her. I call out her name as there are people hustling and bustling about. She turns and stops for just a breath of time before gathering me into one of her comforting embraces.

She doesn't let go.

I don't want her to.

She is saying something, but I am not really taking it in. This hug was just what I needed. Being so far from my mom and missing her, this came at just the right time. There is no awkward small-talk here. just a hug. and some tears. Right away she states, "You're sitting with me." There is no question. But that's ok, because there is no one else I want to sit with.

We go into church and sit down. A man I am familiar with stands to start the service. He begins with a challenge, a thought-provoking question. Then there is Scripture read. He is so wise. I admire his leadership, teaching, passion and love for Christ. He also loves these people in this church. You can tell.
And he is one of my dad's friends and comrades in church leadership...and that is always endearing.

The other minister is sitting slightly behind the first. I know him well too. In fact, he is the husband of the woman sitting by my side. He doesn't know I'm here yet. As he scans the people in the pews, he glances briefly at me and his gaze almost moves on and then a light of recognition colors his eyes. His face brightens with a grin and he mouths, "good morning!" to me. I nod an acknowledgment and smile. Already I am anticipating a dinner-time talk that always seems to happen when I'm at his house. Questions, challenges, wisdom, God, laughter, seriousness. That anticipation makes me smile too.

A message is shared. A prayer is prayed. hymns are sung. my soul is moved. my heart is happy. my spirit calmed.

and I think to myself,
there is no other place I'd rather be then here.

i love this place.
i love this church.
i love these people.
i love that it is all because of God.

Can you spell: REDNECK!?

2011-07-29T12:33:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the delay in posting. But I figure the longer the anticipation, the more appreciated the post! =) So at this point, the grand adventure part of the road trip is finished. I will be updating you on what has happened between Colorado and now.

Stop 1: Cheyenne, Wyoming. This little adventure probably stretched me the most out of any on this trip so far. Definitely out of my comfort zone. Coming from Los Angeles, I am used to a huge diversity. Different skin colors, languages, styles, interactions etc... But here the only different skin color was pale, burnt or tan. The only language variety was if you had a Texas accent or an Alabama accent. The only variety in styles were if you had a black cowboy hat or fancy boots or suspenders with a cell-phone clip. And all the interaction was 100% cowboy.

Needless to say, I was in awe and wasn't sure how to act. And I'm almost positive they can spot a city slicker like me from a mile away. i was wearing flip-flops. and we asked where we could go to "look at the animals." (that got a funny look from this old cowboy who was like, "you wanna look at the animals. like after the rodeo? like a zoo?" haha.)

We had some of the best seats possible. The two people we asked for directions on how to get to our seats were both in awe. And one guy asked to see our tickets for proof because he didn't believe him when we said we were in East Lower. We were second row from the arena. just to the right of the chutes. Perfect view. Misters to keep us cool. mmm delightful.

But it was everything I imagined a rodeo would be like and more.
Epic beyond description.
Breathtaking in its redneck magnificence.

The bull riding was amazing. I do not understand how the human body is able to withstand this...but these guys do it, and thrive on it. Legs flying. Balance precariously maintained. Heads being thrown back and forth. Major whip-lash. And even occasionally they get stomped in the head. We saw a few that got stepped on and almost crushed by the bull. But no one was seriously hurt.

I had these awesome videos to post. But my connection doesn't allow for it. So you'll just have to come visit me. and I'll show them. Pictures will have to do.

Our awesome second-row seats. best part of this pic is the cowboy with the happenin' handlebar mustache behind us. incredible.

One of the many bulls that were ridden

The line up of cowboys above the bull chutes. so cute ;)

One of the ginormous Percherons. his name was Shaq.

Moral of the story: Suzy is short. really short.

Tasha's awesome cowgirl belt buckle.

The ridiculousness of the bucking horse.

Overall, the rodeo was a smashing success. loved it.

incredible sunset on our way out of town.

Next came a grueling 14 hour drive to St. Paul, MN to visit the brother, Sis-in-law and cutest niece EVER. so much fun.

Super cute niece. she loves cucumbers.

brother jim took us out boating. turns out, baby girl loves it. wind was a bit much. but she ended up falling asleep in my arms. *sigh*

Simon got a bit sick while we were there. battery short-circuited. so he went to the doctor. and got a battery transplant. now he's as fit as a....ford...should be. =D

Walked around downtown St. Paul. Jim gave us a tour. we found an arsty piano and played it and sang. It was delightful. slightly out of tune. but delightful none-the-less.

Jim and Kris live right next to this fantastic river that gets all pretty at dusk with reflective lights. Super movie-ish.

We had quite the adventure on Tuesday because Simon was at the doctors and we had to check out of our hotel (a little over a mile away) and get all our bags to J&K's lil loft. And we had the baby. So much fanegaling took place to get us to this point. but that is all the stuff we hauled. with the help of a slightly senile taxi driver who thought all the streets were one-way. (Don't worry, J&K...baby girl was very safe. and even fell asleep).
at this point we were exhausted and still had to drag the stuff up the small stairs and across the inner lobby to the elevator. then from there to their loft. meh.

One more parting shot of this smiley girl. She has the biggest grin and flashes it frequently!

After St. Paul, we did another night drive and arrived in Chicago at about 10:00 am. Checked into our hotel, met the girls' cousin and went to take on the windy city!

First stop was the Museum of Science and Industry (a bit too much science for my taste, and not quite enough industry.) But we saw the amazing Body Worlds Exhibit. For those of you who haven't seen it, i highly recommend it. Definitely gives me more appreciation for intelligent design and our awesome God. No pictures were allowed of that exhibit. So here are some others.

awesome misty wall thing in the futuristic room.

eeeeelectricity!

Then we walked to Navy Pier for a delightful fireworks show. It was breezy, warm and so pleasant. Great way to end the night!

Now I'm here in Central Illinois. Us girls have parted ways. I'm on to the next segment of my journey visiting more family and friends. having a great time. Missing home.

Hopefully I'll get more pictures as time goes on. Thanks for your patience!
love.

Que Magnifico!

2011-07-23T18:31:00.000-07:00

This is what we proclaimed as we climbed mountain trails and looked out over beautiful vistas! I have grown up around mountains my whole life, but this was breath-taking. Upon the advice of our hostess, we took this road to a delightful little lake.

After walking around a bit, we decided to be adventurous. Because we are on a road trip. and being adventurous is what one does when on a road trip. So we took this road and wound around these mountain gulch roads until we began to wind our way UP the mountain. We followed some signs to this parking lot with some trails leading off of it. And from there we found a fantastic view of a valley. The clouds provided shadows and sunlight which highlighted crevices and peaks. We sang "How Great Thou Art" because it was a natural response when looking out over God's fantastic creation!

(this pic cannot do the view justice. but that is a little taste of it)

(Me and heather on top of the world!)

(you should know that I jumped up to my place on the rock after pressing the camera timer. that's how awesomely ninja-ish I am.)

(When one does not have a fourth person to take pictures, one gets innovative on how to capture precious moments at the trail head!)

(These are called "Grandelions! Tasha was really enthusiastic about blowing the fuzz and making a wish!)

(On our way down, we found this white fences around this perfect meadow. and we just HAD to document it!)

(It had been storming and so after it cleared, we saw this PERFECT rainbow. SO amazing!)

(At this point you should be jealous. because this is the proof that we are loyal fans of American History. This is where we paid our respects to one of the best rough-riding cowboys of the wild-wild-west. William "Wild Buffalo Bill" Cody. it was epic.)

(This is one of the vistas we found. It was utterly breathtaking to see these rolling mountains that went on forever)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SefM7XZhf4 (this is one of our video documentations)

Anyway, as you can see, Colorado has held some magnificent adventures! We are enjoying each others company and haven't killed each other yet. So that is always a plus.

Next is Wyoming and a pretty happenin' Rodeo! So keep checking for updated blog posts with pictures of that!

We love you all...and honestly, I think none of us realized how grown up we would feel on this trip. So parents...this is for you. All the patience, teaching, love, correction and prayers you've poured into our lives. I don't think any of us would be here right now if not for your love and support of us!

The LORD is [our] keeper;
The LORD is [our] shade on [our] right hand.
The sun will not smite [us] by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The LORD will protect [us] from all evil;
He will keep [our] soul[s].
The LORD will guard [our] going out and [our] coming in
From this time forth and forever.
(psalm 121:5-8)

On the Road Again!

2011-07-18T10:12:00.001-07:00

The epic adventure has begun. We are currently at our first stop, Arizona. Now...i don't question God for why he made such a miserably hot place on this earth. I just question why he made people who are crazy enough to live here.

just kidding. it's not that bad. well, sort of. Look at this.

And it's only 10:15 in the morning. RIDICULOUS. Good thing we love the people here a LOT. =)

We are here for a short few days, but we're packing a lot in! Simon is getting a check-up tomorrow just to make sure he's all in working order. And we're just doing a lot of family bonding, fellowshipping, eating, swimming and avoiding the furnace that is the great outdoors!

Honestly, after I got in my truck and drove away from Pasadena, this feeling washed over me. I can't really describe it. But it was one of overwhelming freedom and also the weight of responsibility at being headed across the country. There was also this humble feeling to know that I was at the mercy of my truck, the elements and the hospitality of many people. (I know, I know...I'm at the mercy of God and we are in his hands. But one does tend to feel small when faced with those kinds of things) God has sure opened lots of doors and blessed us immensely to be able to do this.

Here is some documentation of the trip so far:

These are the girls that I'm traveling with! Tasha is on the left and Heather is on the right. They are sisters. It definitely makes for some good times! =)

So the cute little "Huck-Fin" style satchel that I am carrying over my shoulder was a creative gift from good friend Drew. He packed it full of fun little things to make our trip more memorable. Everything from chewing gum to a Frisbee, from a squirt gun to make sure drivers don't fall asleep to a camera tripod. and everything in between. There was even an instructional list on how to make the best usage of all the enclosed goodies.

Here we are. All packed and ready to go. Simon is so handsome, if I do say so myself. Actually...I'm gonna confess something to you. You can think I'm weird if you want to. (most people already do). But those very few of you who know what I'm talking about will appreciate this. The rest of you can shake your head and recommend a good therapist.

Maybe it is because he used to belong to my grandpa. Maybe it is because he's my first vehicle. Maybe it is because he actually has a name. But I have bonded with my truck. we have spent some long hours together...just me and him. I've prayed, cried, laughed, sang, pounded his steering wheel in frustration, practiced what I'll say to people, stared out the window deep in thought. We've experienced life together. I know he is inanimate, but I have bonded with my truck. And those of my friends who know me and Simon know how awesome he is and how much he means to me. They all call him by name and they love riding around in him (at least that's what they tell me).
And when I miss my Grandpa, I just sit in Simon and look around and picture all the places my grandpa went in him. It helps me remember all the great things i love about my Grandpa.
That is why, even though he gets "terrible" gas mileage, and isn't the most suave looking thing in the world...there is no other vehicle I'd rather trek across the United States with.

As we take more pictures and have more stories, I'll update again!

For a parting verse comes to mind that my wonderful Aunt Sue taught me in Sunday School. I think of it everytime I travel.
Mizpah:
"The Lord watch between you and me when we are absent from each other"
[genesis 31:49]

libertad!

2011-07-11T17:28:00.001-07:00

So on one specific day that has been significant for around 200 years, the country collectively recognizes freedom. Stores stick out their red, white and blue items. car lots have their "SUMMER SALE! EXPERIENCE THE FREEDOM OF A NEW CAR" sales. there are special deals on soda, chips and hot dogs. road side stands advertise sparklers and other firecrakers.

And all of this celebration is because of freedom. our country's freedom. Now, I'm not going to go into a whole history lesson. And I'm gonna be honest with you. the historical connotations of freedom really only cross my mind when my uncle mentions it before the dinner-time prayer. But hey, I'll take it. I enjoy a nice celebratory holiday just like anyone else.

This year, my 4th of July turned into a 3rd, 4th and 5th of July celebration. Lots of cousins, food, swimming, games of mafia, trampoline games, ping-pong tournaments, finger jello, bean-bag toss, hugs, laughter, singing, water fights, beach trips, store runs and everything else in between.

My adorable cousin Nathan.

All the boy cousins trying to fit on one tube. it worked.

Singing around the piano quite enthusiastically. I think lil' cousin Edie is feeling the Spirit move ;)

Freedom has impacted my life in another significant way. I am now currently jobless. As many of you know, I have been steadily employed by a restaurant for the duration of my college career. And now life is moving on and so am I. After much deliberation with my boss, we decided that it was impossible for me to stay employed and go on my upcoming road-trip. And so my future changed.

*quit job
*go on month-long road trip
*have no responsibilities other than to live, be free and spend my savings wisely
*come home
*look for jobs

and that is all I have planned. and honestly, it feels great.

Anyway, back to being done with work. Honestly, it was bittersweet. I have made some pretty close friends. And while I'm sure I'll stay in touch with some, it is not the same as working along side them. There are also those I won't be seeing again. Being the relationship building kind of girl that I am, this tends to leave me with a deep sense of sadness.

So I was in a sort of denial up until my last day. And my wonderful co-workers surprised me and got me a beautiful cake and flowers and there were hugs and i think a few tears. =)

(they even knew to get red-velvet and not chocolate!)

Me and my girls. My friend Ana draws these cute lil' characters on the white-board at work. It represents us all quite well!

I had a little notebook that I had people write notes in so I could remember them. This is one from one of the cooks. While it was challenging at times to get them to write in it, it is so worth it. I love words, and will cherish this book.

Anyway...I am jobless, living with my parents and about to become a vagabond on the highways and bi-ways of this country. And I couldn't be more excited about that. I'll keep updates coming as I am able!

And as a parting reminder,

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."
[galations 5:1]

the close of one chapter...

2011-06-14T19:36:00.000-07:00

...and the opening of another! What an eventful month I've had. Let me just sum up by saying that I have had many life changes, which will also continue over the next few months. So allow me to chronicle some of them for you.

First off, I have completed my education at Biola University. YAY!! I graduated on a nicely overcast day (we were outside, so it was better than direct sun for several hours). I received my Bachelor of Arts degree in Sociology with an emphasis in Criminal Justice. I also minored in Biblical/Theological studies.

(This is happy me with my diploma in front of the Jesus Mural)

(I love this man. He's been one of my biggest supporters!)

What are my emotions as I reach this milestone in my life? Well I have a lot of conflicting emotions, actually. I am so incredibly happy and excited and relieved to be done. and when I say done, i mean DONE. there is no grad school or further education in my immediate or even distant future. The job I want does not require it, and I am not an aspiring academic. You know how some people just love sitting in classrooms and absorbing information? Yeah, definitely not one of those people. So there were a lot of lasts for me. Last research paper. Last final. Last talk after class with my professor. Last scantron. Last meal in the caf. Last night in a dorm.

This leads me to my next emotion. I have a deep sense of sadness that comes from the inner depths of my being. I cannot describe it differently than that. I was ready to be done. but there is so much that college meant and was for me that now needs a place to settle elsewhere. Does that make any sense? I won't have my friends as close. I will fiercely miss my Bible classes and my professors who i built relationships with. I will miss the belonging, the community, the music, the events, the traditions.

who am i now?

That is what this next season is for figuring out. God is working with me on that one. He is holding my core identity in Him...and letting the details shift and get reshaped. I struggle with feeling lost sometimes and wondering how the past 22 years have prepared me for the future.

Wow, let me interrupt this post. I just got a facebook message from a long-distance friend who said she was prompted to pray for me and then God told her to tell me about it! Little did she know that I was writing this blog, and reliving all these emotions. I will admit the tears began to flow as I realized that God knew what I needed right now and used an unlikely person to do it.

anyway. I'm going to move on from that before I become like a leaky faucet over here.

To celebrate this accomplishment in my life, my mother, cousin and I took a delightful trip to one of my favorite countries.

(VIVA MEXICO!!!)

We went to a place called Playa Del Carmen which is by the ocean and is by a lot of Mayan ruins.
There were underground cenotes (caves) with fresh water that flowed into the ocean. There were sea turtles (which we swam alongside of), and lots of brightly colored fish. There were shrimp tacos, white sand, ocean like bath-water, palapas, and LOTS of speaking spanish =)

(this was the beach outside of our hotel)

(me and the mumzy)

(Me and my cousin, Bethany)

The whole trip was definitely what I needed to relax after the last weeks of finals, packing up, moving home, graduation and family events. Now I'm back home and I am settling into life as I have never known it before. How to live back at my parents house. How to navigate time management with no school. How to navigate positive relationship with my little brother. All of these things are still being fine-tuned. Prayers are always appreciated!

The inevitable "whats next" question is stirring in your minds, I'm sure. But you'll just have to ask me in person. But for a hint, it includes quitting my job and finding a new one. So lots more changes coming up! Whew.

"Hold on loosely, but don't let go. If you hold to tightly you're gonna lose control."
(song quote that helps me with change)

Fed-Ex (Lessons from John #2)

2011-05-17T09:23:00.000-07:00

So we had just done an entire summary/review of the first 12 chapters in John, and my professor asks, "Now what is our job or our mission?" And the answers start flying. (these are all things he's been emphasizing throughout the semester)
"Go make disciples."
"obey."
"Love one another."
"Have streams of living water flow out of us."

And to all of these, he answers, "Yes...all of that. but WHAT IS OUR JOB NOW!"
We looked at him puzzled, because we were giving all the right answers but he was obviously fishing for something specific. So we shouted out a few more. Not what he was looking for. At this point we were getting frustrated. we didn't know WHAT he wanted!! He kept giving us this mischievous smile and asking the same question over and over again. *sigh*
Finally to be dumb, I say, "Be like Jesus!" (we have this ongoing joke in class that if no one knows the answer we just say, "Jesus" and it has to be right, because Jesus is the answer to everything.)

He points at me and says, "There...that's probably the closest yet." So we start guessing variations on "Be like Jesus." And finally, Ryan (one of like three in the class) says it.

What is our job/mission?
"The same as Jesus'"

Oh come now, Matt...as if that wasn't EXACTLY what i said. He likes his wording better. Anyway. All of that is beside the point.

Our job/mission is to be the same as Jesus. (except, let me point out, in the way he is God and was a sacrifice for the atonement of sins...that is the only aspect we do not share).

So lets dig a little deeper to see what this means. I am going to start with another catch phrase that has become popular in our class.

"The Sent One is as the Sender."

Think about that. Jesus said it multiple times.
"Before Abraham was, I Am." (John 8:58). By Jesus calling himself "I am" he is taking on the identity of God. This was very controversial. But what Jesus was doing was deflecting the focus off of him. He was an ambassador and a representative of the Father.

"I showed you many good works from the Father." (John 10:32)

"I and the Father are One." (John 10:30)

"Then Jesus raised His eyes, and said, "Father, I thank You that You have heard Me."I knew that You always hear Me; but because of the people standing around I said it, so that they may believe that You sent Me." (John 11:41-42)

"My judgment is true; for I am not alone in it, but I and the Father who sent Me." (John 8:16)

"If you knew me, you would know my Father also." (John 8:19)

It was all for God. So that through Jesus the people might know God, who SENT him.

This means that when Jesus gave the commission to "make disciples of all nations" (Matt 28:19), he sent us. And we are to be the SAME as him. We (as Sent ones) are to be as the Sender (Jesus).

This is so that when we spread love, joy, peace, freedom, and purpose throughout a world that is dark, sinful, and dying we bring them the message of LIFE. How AWESOME is that?! but wait...that's not it.

You might have been wondering where the "Fed-Ex" title of this blog fit in. Well here it is.
When you receive a sweet care package from your Grandma through Fed-Ex, you are excited to see the delivery man...but do you thank HIM for what you receive and give him a big hug because he is the one who brought you the package? Well you might say a simple thank you out of courtesy for being the deliverer. but you don't thank him for what is inside. You call or write your Grandma and tell HER. The fed-ex guy was just the means by which you got it.

This is how it is with the message we are delivering to the world. Sure the people receiving it might be grateful to us for being the means... but their gratefulness for the gift (of life) itself is to the Sender. We are merely the sent ones...being representatives and delivery people for the Sender.

WOOHOO! I love this! How amazing of an opportunity to be the same as Jesus!

This means that the works/deeds and teachings he did, we now have the opportunity to spread through what we learn from the Word and the gifts of the Spirit that have been bestowed upon us.

Let us go out, and be Sent Ones that are as the Sender. Let us deflect attention from people who are going to thank US as delivery people for the gift that came from the Sender. It is only God...and we are BLESSED to be able to carry the message of life, love, joy, peace, freedom and purpose.

Living Water (Lessons from John #1)

2011-04-26T10:39:00.000-07:00

"...Jesus stood and cried out, saying, "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to Me and drink. "He who believes in Me, as the Scripture said, 'From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water.'"

[john 7:37-38]

I always read this verse and nodded to myself thinking, "Yes! this it! It's so great! I totally want that!" And yet I realized that I had no idea what it meant to have rivers of living water flowing out of my innermost being. I didn't even know where my innermost being was!

Then I went to Biola and met a man named Matt. He is a professor of New Testament Literature, specifically the gospel of John. Taking his class has transformed my life. Not because of him [and yes, he is an awesome professor], but because of the work the Holy Spirit did through him [cuz He's an awesome Spirit].

So where did Jesus get the idea for this "living water" thing? Well we see it mentioned in John 4 with the Samaritan woman at Jacob's well. And with some further research into the culture back then, there were ritual cleansings that happened at meals, gatherings, etc... The water that was the most healing to them was what they called "living water" which was the water that moved, keeping it fresh. This is why the Pool of Siloam was so popular. The waters moved and that was when they would heal the people. And when the Samaritan woman was so excited/apprehensive about Jesus showing her this living water, it was because they lived in a desert and the only water was in the well. To have moving, "living" water accessible was nearly impossible and an amazing idea.

But lets take a look in the Old Testament for this idea of what Jesus meant when he talked about this water flowing out of the person who "is thirsty."

Ezekial 47: 1-12. Now this is a relatively long passage, but I encourage you to go read it quick. Look, I'll even put in a link to make reading it faster. Click Here.

Now these verses are talking about the temple. But to sum it up, the water trickles from the temple, and then gets deeper and flows stronger. Soon it is a river that cannot be forded, it is so large and deep. There are trees on either side of the river, and as the water flows into the sea, it transforms it into fresh water. there is an abundance of fish and other creatures which live by water. and in verse 9 it says, "...for these waters go there and the others become fresh; so everything will live where the river goes."

everything will live where the river goes.
this is important.

This passage continues to describe the trees which bear fruit, not every season, but every month. Their leaves bring healing.

Words that describe this passage: abundance. life. healing. overflow. transformation.

Now picture this. Jesus says, "you will tear down this temple and I'll rebuild it in three days." [john 2:19]

He is claiming to be that temple from which flows this water which brings life, healing, abundance and transformation. if you are a thirsty soul needing cleansing, go to him. His ministry reflects this water. There were also the salty marshes [jewish leaders] which he came into contact with that would not drink and be transformed. And it reflected in their lives. They were as white-washed tombs, reflecting death, not life.

But how does this apply to us? To take this a step further...when we believe in Jesus, and our bodies become the temple of the Holy Spirit, what will our lives look like? actually, let me personalize this. what will MY life look like? It will reflect this picture. overflowing from my innermost being, my heart, my soul, my belly...will come living water. Water that brings life to everything [everyone] it comes in contact with. Picture it like a wake which surrounds and follows after me. it just oozes out of me and touches lives and causes transformation. I won't try or force it out of me... it'll just happen by the power of Christ in me. He lives in me, reflecting the Father. This means I am the embodiment of the glory of God.

Wait, did you catch that? The glory of the most high God dwells in ME and transforms me and spills out, touching other people. THAT is so incredibly awesome. mind-blowing in fact.

And so often I have read over this verse and thought it sounded cool, but didn't realize how incredibly far-reaching my God is...and that I have personal access to the life-giving flow which He offers.

Say What?

2011-04-12T23:49:00.000-07:00

"So what are you studying in school?"
This is the most common question one can get when meeting new people. There must be some rule book out there that says after introductions and awkward small-talk about how great the weather is, the next question MUST be regarding what you are studying or what you studied in school. MUST.

The thing is, when I answer this question, I get a whole volley of spoken and unspoken follow-up questions.

It goes something like this: (spoken in bold, unspoken in italics)
Unsuspecting Person (UP): So you're going to Biola, eh? What is your major?
Suzy (S): *should I just say sociology or say the whole thing?* Sociology and Criminal Justice
UP: *does a mental double take* oh wow!how interesting! *my goodness, criminal JUSTICE? at a CHRISTIAN school? Are you enjoying it?
S: *here we go* Yes, I love it a lot.
UP: So what do you want to be? *can any good come from this field?*
S: Well, I want to be a Probation Officer *Quick! don't leave that hanging! their eyes say you're crazy!*

Lets just say it rarely goes well...and always seems awkward. Its like they want to counsel me out of it, but don't know what to say.
So let me tell you why I want to be in this field. I will admit that I am slightly "tetched in the head" regarding why I became interested in criminal justice. Basically *deep breath*
I love crime.
a lot.
I used to watch crime shows, read crime books and imagine how I could be the perfect criminal. Not for the sake of violence, stealing, killing or the crime itself...but just wondering if I could pull off the perfect crime...all the details and such.
So i decide to study crime...specifically how to catch those super-smart criminals. Mainly because I wanted to outsmart them. be better at their game than them. be able to predict what they were going to do and when. get inside their head to see what was making them tick.

Then my love for human interaction came into play. I met a lady who would forever change my life and perspective on my future. I have taken four of her classes here at Biola...and God has used her in amazing ways to direct me to where I am today.

Probation includes the close interaction with crime as well as the relational aspect. I have a heart for the kids I will be working with. Their parents, teachers, communities and the system has given up on them. They feel helpless, hopeless and are acting out of that. I long to bring justice while administering love and guidance. These kids need someone to believe in them and give them proper boundaries.
This is my heart's desire. the passion God has given me. And he has opened doors so it is possible. This industry is scary and involves dangerous people. But they need the love and light of Christ just as much as anyone else. No, its not for everyone, but I know i can handle it...so why not? Who knows how long I'll be doing this... I'm not making any rash statements about that. But here and now...this is where God wants me.

So let me tell you about my internship. It might give you a glimpse into what I do/will be doing on a day-to-day level. I find it fully fascinating and I honestly love pretty much every minute of it. I am working at a Southern California High School for the Probation Officer there. There are 3600 students (give or take) and 97-ish % is hispanic. Our case load is about 49 kids right now. (which is actually a lot since we have to meet with them and write reports for them regularly).
This Supe (short for supervisor) that I work for believes in a hands-on approach to learning, for which I am extremely grateful. Although, I must say on orientation day, I was a bit nervous. He said I would be writing reports, interviewing kids, talking to parents, making phone calls, filing and navigating the computer systems. It felt like too much, and I wasn't sure I would be able to handle it. And yet, I have absorbed the information like a dry sponge, and I am immersed completely in my responsibilities.
Some of the things I do or have had the privilege of doing. (some may seem small, others large...its all part of the job!)

stamping hall passes for kids who come to meet with us during class
orientation and interviews for kids and their parents newly arrived on our case load
trips to juvenile hall to interview any kid who has been arrested
court appearances when my supe gets subpoenaed to testify
writing progress, violation and pre-plea (post-arrest) reports.
filing paperwork (some of our kids' files are foot thick...yes 12 inches)
filling out drug-testing paperwork
navigating the school's attendance, grade and student information computer systems
lunch-time supervision
calling parents to inform them of situations with their child (sometimes this includes putting my spanish skills to the test, as my supe is not bilingual)
putting in case-notes charting any interaction we have with the kids into the probation case management system online.

Basically, my job is awesome. I am the only white girl, and sometimes I get funny looks from the kids who wonder why I'm there...but I speak with some authority and they respect me pretty well =)

If there are aspects of my job that you would ever care to hear clarification about, don't worry, if i ever see you in person, I will probably end up talking about it eventually.

So while you may not understand how a young, Christian white girl could be called to this field, I ask that you trust me into the strong, capable hands of our Father.
But please pray. Pray that I will not lose sight of God as I enter this field of darkness. Pray that I can keep hope alive as many of my cases will end with my kids in prison or dead. Pray that I will know if I am supposed to try another career path. Pray for my physical, emotional and spiritual health and well-being. Pray for my family as they have been major supporters, even though I know that seeing their lil' girl go into this field was an adjustment for them at first.

"He's given me a passion for all the little knuckle-heads out there that everyone else has given up on. They call me crazy, but I love it"
-Miss G. (my inspiration and mentor)

april showers in march

2011-03-20T15:17:00.000-07:00

First day of spring and it is a nippy 52 degrees with a nice windchill factor that I'm sure slides it down to a wintery 47.5. Outside there is a torrential downpour (for california) and it does not give any indication of letting up any time soon. But I suppose that we must pay a certain measure of tribute for all of the balmy 78 degree days we have recently experienced.

Anyway, on to more important things. I am currently in the process of procrastinating on this substantially large paper that is due on tuesday for my Social Theory class. I have a professor who decides to motivate her students by telling them that around 80% of the class will most likely have to re-write the paper, even if we thought we did it well. And while I am normally a wicked awesome paper writer (not bragging, God just blessed me with that ability), I am truly worried about how this paper will turn out. Maybe she's bluffing. I'm counting on a bluff. because I need to get a good grade in this class and re-writing a paper does not sound like fun. *sigh*. I just keep reminding myself that I have 69 more days until graduation. there is light at the end of this very long tunnel.

other thoughts:
At a recent chapel at school, one of my favorite professors gave a talk about being bold in sharing our faith. He is a very zealous speaker and could probably inspire a sloth to run a marathon. He talked about how people do a lot of evangelizing out there for whatever it is they are passionate about. It might be sharing the details of the beneficial qualities of football. It might be raving about a new band which has incredibly moving music. But whatever it is, people have no shame in singing its praises. And yet here we are as Christians, and we've been given salvation and the gift of eternal life and we are scared to share. And we fool ourselves into thinking they don't want to hear. but they do.
I have been recently questioned about what I believe. Not a mean back-you-in-a-corner type of questioning, but more of a i-really-don't-understand-you type questioning. And I have found that the more I explain, the more passionate I become and the more confident I am in what I believe. I always thought I'd get discouraged (which does happen at times...) but I have really found there is no better way to boost your confidence in what you believe than to tell people about it. Not in a shove-it-down-their-throats-while-pounding-the-Bible sort of way. but in a let-me-tell-you-about-what-my-heart's-passion-is sort of way.
I cannot claim any new believers based on what I've said. But that does not mean they aren't listening. And the funny thing is, they keep coming back for more and they don't even realize it. I am not shunned. I am not ignored. I am not written off.
the best part is I know that any words I say to them are not coming out of this ol' brain. I KNOW there's a Holy Spirit at work doing the whole inspiration thing because sometimes I say stuff that sound way better than I could have ever thought up. He happens to be very eloquent and make a lot of sense. after a short monologue about a particular facet of my belief in Christ, one of my aggressively non-believing friends said, "well...you got me there. I really have nothing to answer back to that with. I'll have to think about it."
GO SPIRIT! that's what I'm talking about =)

So go out. Share. Because there is a whole world out there that is getting tired of walking to the well every day for water that makes them thirsty again. But they have no other options. Show them to the living water. Sit down with them and share the radical idea that they don't have to thirst again.

Like the Samaritan woman in John 4, they might have questions and wonder how what you're offering is better than what they have. Our job is not to convince. It is to be open, offer the truth, live it out and love as Christ loves. one plants and another waters and God gives the increase.

I must remind myself that if I am truly passionate about Christ (which I am), then telling people about that must roll off the tongue as easily as talking about my favorite music, movie or pastime. Because what I have to share sorta tops them all.
be bold.
blessings.

official diagnosis!

2011-01-11T10:11:00.000-08:00

I am having AWS (Auntie Withdrawal Syndrome).

Common symptoms:
-arms that feel too light because there is no constant weight in them
-nostril depravity that is due to lack of the fresh Johnson-baby smell
-daily smile/giggle quota is far from full
-ear confusion due to deafening silence for lack of cooing and the occasional fuss

My first interactions with my sweet niece Karlina were amazing and in all honesty something I cannot describe. here's some words that come to mind:
perfect. delicate. fragrant. vulnerable. innocent. adored. flawless. eye candy. curious. observant. content. aware. expressive.

Look how alert she is for only 2.5 months.

her cuuute little pom-pom hat.
According to Krissa, she picked it herself =)
They tried on all different kinds and this is the one she was happiest in!

She's so happy just laying and looking at faces and smiling!

So now you can see this precious little human who has come to mean so much to me. Thankfully I'll get to see her again in a few weeks. A little piece of my heart broke off and went with her.
This is being an Auntie.
Painful.
Beautiful.

ta-ta-ta-talking bout blah, blah, blah.

2011-01-01T23:23:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: This post is lengthy-ish.
This is a new year. The first day of 2011 is almost done. It is a half-hour away from midnight. I'm running on three hours of sleep. And yet, I sit here, thinking about the past year, and the year to come. There is all this hype about resolutions.

The word resolve is interesting to me. It is the first word in the opening arguments of a debate. "Resolved: (statement about what is being debated)." The dictionary definition is: to come to a definite or earnest decision about; determine (to do something). Then I think about things that I would like to apply this word to. And only one thing comes to mind. Communication.

But not just any ordinary communication. but functional, healthy, constant communication in the most important relationship in my life. Two-way communication with Someone who has been trying to do His part, but hasn't been getting much feedback from me.

Someone recently told me I was a bad communicator because I rely too much on the virtual world of texting, IM, email and facebook to communicate. And while I still think I'm a blossoming face-to-face communicator, he may have had a point. I appreciate instant communication, and response. The ability to articulate a thought and have someone articulate one back, in a short amount of time. I have gotten out of practice of solid communication that takes a little longer. Or takes more concentrated effort and investment.

Yeah, you may have picked up that I'm talking about communicating with THE Communicator. The One who gave me a mind that can think of things to say, a tongue that can form words, hands that can gesture in assisting in meaning, a voice that fluctuates to convey emotion and emphasis, and yes, even fingers to do some quick typing and thundering texting.

I realized today that I spend a significant amount of time driving to and from my job. Time alone in my truck. Time to think. and according to California laws, time NOT to text or talk on the phone. I am pretty isolated in four doors, with no real distractions. (Yes I realize radio can be, but it can always be turned off) I know the route like the back of my hand and pretty much go on auto-pilot. This is what they call a perfect opportunity. One where I can talk to Jesus.

Wow. did you catch that? It took me a minute to.

Talk to Jesus.

Like, the Creator of everything. King of the Universe and beyond. Most universally known name. Giver of life. Conqueror of death.

and I get to talk to him.

You know when you are a HUGE fan of someone. Or even someone you're not a fan of, but would still be cool to say you met. =)

Like the President

Or Kobe Bryant. (I AM a fan of him, btw)

Or Bono

(please fill in the blank with someone you might be a huge fan of). And you would love to have an opportunity to see them in person. Whether that means at a huge convention center hearing a speech, in the bleachers of the Staples Center or standing in front of the stage at Nokia...it is an honor just to be in the same building. But getting a VIP pass to meet them? shake their hand? TALK TO THEM!? that would totally be a day maker. We go home and tell everyone animatedly, "You'll never guess who I met...and we just chatted..." There is lots of excitement, squeals if you're a girl and maybe even a hug or three. Then we sit down and share every detail of the encounter, causing the captive audience intense feelings of wishing they were you. Because it was truly life-changing. Then for the rest of your life, you can name-drop. If someone did something awesome, you can out-do them because YOU had conversation with So-and-So.

You can probably assume where I'm going with this. And yeah, this doesn't sound how my encounters with the King of the universe go either. In fact, I'm a little ashamed that I don't treat my opportunities to communicate with Jesus like this. I mean, talking with the one and only God is pretty life-changing. It is something that should evoke the irresistible need to name drop.

But not to make me look good. instead to magnify HIS name. Declare His majesty. Testify to His grace and faithfulness. and his stellar ability to communicate perfectly.

He has communication down pat. gentle whispers, neon signs, flashing road-blocks, raging storms, angels unawares, human vessels...he's got quite a repertoire. So when there's issues in our relationship, its because I'm not communicating properly. I'm not listening, responding, seeking, asking, telling, confessing, thanking. I know we've all heard it, and in my case, I've definitely said it, "Well God just isn't telling me anything. He's silent right now."
Funny thing is, even in his silence, God has a message for us. Often it is, "trust me" or "Be patient, I know what I'm doing" or "My child...you're not ready, but when you are I'll be there."

So, all of that to say...
2011. Resolved: Revel in the opportunity to communicate with the most important Being I'll ever know. Take advantage of His awesome communicating skills, and hone my severely lacking ones. Name-drop to anyone around that I am in healthy, DAILY communication with...what? Who is that you just said? did I hear you right? No way, you gotta be kidding me! Jesus Christ? Savior of my Soul? Friend and Brother? King and Warrior? Famous and infamous?

Yes. This is my goal for 2011. is it yours? Sorta makes the whole "exercise more, eat less" thing look like peanuts in comparison. this is far more impacting and longer lasting and life-changing.
Hop on the train. I can promise it won't ever let you down. =)

Reminds me of a favorite hymn: (#87 Hymns of Zion)

Oh I love to talk to Jesus, for it smooths the rugged road
And it seems to help me onward as I faint beneath my load
When my heart is crushed with sorrow, and my eyes with tears are dim
There is naught can yield me comfort like a little talk with Him

Oft I tell him I am weary and I fain would be at rest
That I'm daily, hourly longing to repose upon his breast
And he answers me so kindly, in the tenderest tones of love
"I am coming soon to take thee, to my happy home above"

Though the way is long and dreary to that far off distant clime
Yet I know that my Redeemer journeys with me all the time
and the more I come to know Him and his wondrous grace explore
How my longing groweth stronger, still to know him more and more

So I'll wait a little longer, til my Lord's appointed time
And along the upward pathway still my pilgrim feet shall climb
Soon within my Father's dwelling, where the many mansions be
I shall see my blessed Savior and he then will talk with me.

Blessings as you take on 2011!

muddled mix of thoughts

2010-11-10T20:41:00.001-08:00

Three paper-projects.

All due in one day.

Started late the night before.

Yeah so I have procrastination problems. major ones. And tonight i think i snapped. Halfway through my child abuse and dysfunctional families class, our prof let us out on a break. All the sudden I had a burst of energy that manifested itself in crazy ways.

half-completed cartwheels down the hall (yes, i ended up on the floor).

speed walking down stairs (that doesn't turn out so well).

word vomit (my spastic train of thought coming out in words).

now we're back from break and i can hardly sit still. this is ridiculous.
so i'm trying blog-post therapy. its a real thing...trust me.
I. need. help.

Actually, this is totally helping. i'm calming down already. wow. the power of the written word.

Anyways, on another note.
When you hear the word "discipleship" what do you think of?
leading? following? teaching? discipline? obedience? serving? giving? doing?
Yeah, i thought all of those things too. and they aren't bad or wrong.
But i'm learning* that its about more than what i can do or achieve or learn.
Its primarily about grace. God's grace.
If the focus is only on what i can do, i'll never do enough. or do it right.
But when the focus is grace...its not about my success or failure in the doing.
its about how God gives me the grace to learn and practice serving.
no amount of us trying to serve on our own merit will get it right. that just turns into judgmental and guilt-ridden legalism.
so how do I avoid that and fix this problem?
Accept that grace. God is looking for ways to save me and to grow me.
he abundantly pours out grace. but if i don't recognize the grace, i will not experience the full power of Christ in my life.
When there is an ultimate and all controlling rule of a gracious King...what will be the nature of his kingdom?
its subjects will reflect the character of the King.
if i claim my inheritance as a child of God and partake in the inaugurated Kingdom (meaning it is here already and also not yet fulfilled), then i will reflect His character.
This is the demand of righteousness.
grace foils legalism and fuels righteousness.

And I don't wait until I mess up to turn to the Servant and receive grace. I have to start everyday with receiving grace, because I realize that I can't even face the day without it.
i must practice the presence of God...and most importantly, the reception of his grace.
really great thing about it is, its a free gift. I just have to collect.
i must do this by constantly returning to the throne for another "grace-fix."
Sometimes I have been graced on a missions trip, or in a worship time that leaves me so spiritually high. Then I run on that grace-fuel for a while. I assume it will last me, but soon i'm running on grace-fumes. There is nothing but myself stopping the constant flow of grace.
if i ask, i will receive.
What if i don't know to ask? or how? or just get so low that i'm barely getting by?
Well God thought of that too. He provides common grace which can manifest itself in the simplest of ways (song on the radio, hug from a friend, wind in the trees) that keep me going until i can seek out the fullness of the promise of his grace.

i am redeemed. graced. pursued. found.

Now there is a demand for righteousness, which will just overflow out of me.

*These concepts were introduced to me by the Spirit working through
Dr. Jonathan Lunde

Yo soy una tia!!!

2010-10-26T19:45:00.000-07:00

For those of us who do not speak the glorious language of Spanish, I am an aunt!!

On October 20, 2010 my brother Jim and his beautiful wife, Krissa had a little baby girl! (totally called that by the way!) She was a healthy 7 lbs 5 oz. 20 inches long. (be assured that this little girl is gonna be one tall kid!) Her name is...

Karlina Jean

(This picture was taken day 1. Not bad, eh?)

This is the uber-adorable little family. SO crazy to think of my big brother as a daddy!

And I will admit that I might be totally biased, and all babies are supposedly cute... but this is one exceptionally beautiful baby for being 3 days old! (its a good thing too, cuz now i'm totally proud to claim her as my lil sobrina!)

My parents were in India at the time of her birth and so I got to tell them about it over skype! It was so fun to see the grandma and grandpa transformation take place overseas! I think Karlina even has an authentic Indian outfit which Grandma bought for her!

Ok I can't keep referring to my mom as Grandma... just doesn't jive. i mean, she'll be awesome, but she's just not old enough for that. *sigh* oh life changes.

Anyways, I cannot tell you how agonizing it is to be here in California with that little baby girl 2,000 miles away! I want to hold her, inhale her new-baby smell and cuddle her swaddled, pink little self. I've spent years holding other people's kids and nieces. But now she's mine (not exclusively of course...) I have auntie rights. i love it. i can't wait for her to grow up and call me Auntie Suzy.

Our family seemed perfect with four kids. Then as the sisters-in-law joined, that felt right too. couldn't imagine life and family get togethers without them. And now with Karlina...there's no looking back. She's gonna be one loved baby. Our family is growing...and it couldn't be more right. I realize that probably didn't make much sense. But its hard to put into words what this is like. Normally I hate change. God knows how to transform those patterns in me. Just pop in a new niece. works every time =)